9/18 Belief

One night the questions came thick and fast as I tried to pray - How do I declare a loving Creator in a world so full of wrong? How can I say love is always the answer when in my life I have loved so pitifully. I was always seeking to comfort myself and my needs but I didn't even like myself. I did that to the point of hurting others who should have been able to trust me. How do I say you love me, Lord, when I have done so much that is not love to others, even my self? How can I explain your total grace toward us?

What about the homeless and the hungry and the wars? How do I say you are loving Lord, when I see the suffering and loneliness all around me that I believe are wrong or bad?

Where are the miracles? How can we heal each other? How can we say we love like you and say "this is the world He made in love for us"? This world is so full of pain and hurt and war and destruction. How can that be love?

How can I believe in a God of love when I see so much that is not apparently love in the world? I have to admit that I can't see it. I can't see the love all the time. Is it being absorbed and used? I don't know, I can't see that big, that far, into forever and ever- not like he does.

His love can fill us to overflowing and then go through us to others. We can show each other His love is real, we see itin each other - a love bigger than one human can love.

I have to believe what I know is a truth. How do I do that? I have to believe in my ability to perceive truth. I have to believe in me. I believe he is alive and speaks with us. That he makes himself small enough we can see him. That his son was sent so we knew there was one, in him, just like us, that understood life here and how we screw it up and still declared God loves us. I believe he showed us we don't die. I believe I died and was sent back.

I believe I understand what he asks in my tiny, human terms. I do the best I can to listen and let him lead me on. He knows to my last thought what I believe. He sends His love through me knowing what will happen next. I may not understand it all but I believe I am walking where he leads me the best I can.

If I don't believe I can know truth I can't believe in anything, not 2+2, not Him. Today I began to learn to trust myself again. I am just the way I am, and I am loved by Him. I have to trust him for the rest, because I can't say I understand. I can't answer all the questions. I can't see the plan at all. He gave me a little part to do, I believe that is the truth, I don't want to fail in such a small task, even though, to me, it seems hugh.

I lean on him and trust that he will show me the way to go. Is what I am doing loving? Do I love doing it? Do I see it being loving of others? Am I walking with Him or am I running on ahead? I try to listen better.

He asks me to love like Him. I try, but I love like me. It's the best I can do and I feel it's so small and selfish still that I don't see the value in it. I just keep trying to do better.

Alone is not what I think I need. But he says, I am here, you are not alone, you are my friend, I will never leave you. I am learning trust him for that comfort and companionship. This is where he has put me.

I ask to learn to love more like Him, please. He said, "Then remember, I give, I see, I care, I heal, I love. Not I got, I had, I wouldn't look, I hurt, I hate. Love is to give - not to gather, to share, not to save up, to give love is loving - to expect anything from it is human, not divine. The increase is mine to provide to you, don't look for a return from others, just love them because they are mine."

I walk where I feel lead by him. I believe I hear and understand him. I believe in what I do each day as he and I meet and talk. In each choice I make, I try to remember to offer it to Him first. It teaches me to love Him more as I know Him better. It teaches me to walk in Him each day and not call it lonely or alone. It teaches me, too, that I can still love, I never thought I would.

I believe in me and I believe in Him. Name any person you know and I say He loves them, too. It is your choice always to accept what he is willing to give to you. All you have to do is ask. He can show you even how to believe.