Thankfulness and joy

I am asking today, that if you are glad in any way that I am still on the planet with you that you reach into your heart and tell the God I believe in "Thank you."

I know some of you don't believe. I also know I have showed you that I do. Out of respect for me, even in your disbelief, I ask that you send out any gratitude you hold that I am here still in whatever way you pray. Let God or the Universe or Karma know your joy that I am here.

My heart started to fail me again on the second of January. It didn't get serious to me until the third. I knew for 24 hours before I went to the emergency room on the fourth that I could go home if I hid my pain and waited. It was getting that bad. The other option was that I could try to stay by putting myself in for medical care.

I had no insurance to pay for hospital care. Believe me, there was a desire to let this heart failure take me home. I like having good credit. I like paying my bills. I knew I couldn't pay for this. I often feel there is little point to being here. Having a job just to support a house for a couple of dogs and a cat and me doesn't seem very important. A life so quiet and full of study and empty of daily love sometimes gets very lonely.

I made the decision that it was worth every thing I might have to give up or sell to stay. I wanted to live. I had learned that again for sure in December when the Chantix depression challenged me. I reached out for help to stay then, too. I received it.

I know I am loved here and I love all of you, too. I wanted to show you that I am glad to be here still. Even after Billy went on ahead of me there is joy in living and loving again since Jesus gave me His grace. I chose to try to live.

I prayed on it and told Him what I have told some of you. If God wants me here he can keep me here. It is ultimately His decision. I didn't know what it would cost. I only hoped I wouldn't leave it for my children to have to deal with if He took me home.

So I went and they tried to fix my heart. It seems to be ok. Then the bills started coming. And the cost of the medications wasn't cheap, either.

I filled out some paperwork to apply for finacial assistance. I did it for two different places. I hadn't done anything like that since we had the fire. I learned that, with my prescriptions, I would be spending 13.00 more than I gross. I don't know how I would have made it these months without the blessings He sent me. I don't just spend my net, I spend more than I make. And that doesn't count tithes...

I opened a letter this morning and discovered the hospital has approved me for 100% of my allowable charges. It includes seven of their service locations. I have yet to learn what all that will cover. But I know it took care of $23,000.00 and some change for the three days in the hospital.

God didn't just keep me here, now He is paying for it. However you may see it, I know I could have made too much money to recieve this help. I would have fallen through the cracks. I see that He knew I would have given it all up to stay. In His Love, He - again - gave it for me. What he has blessed me with I can continue to have while I am here and share with those that need it.

I am so thankful today for Him showing me - also, again- that He does live and He does love and He will supply all my need.

This part can't really be proved. But I include it because it is part of what is true for me. Believe it or not, as you will.

I had known something like this was coming for me since last summer. I didn't think I would be here for Christmas. I was surprised to make January before it happened.

It wasn't that I knew my heart was bad again, I didn't. It was that I believe I was showed that the gate I knew would be opened for me. I would be with Jesus and Billy and all I love that are there. I would be done here. I didn't think I would be here long. I thought I would want to go.

Since last summer I have seen so much and learned so much of Him. I learned more of what loving really means. I saw love in all of you for me and my love for you has grown and matured, I hope.

In His love and for His plan I was offered the out. I told Him I was willing to stay. I want what He wants for me. I live, I love, I am glad to be here.

Even when I can't see the purpose, even when it doesn't, in my opinion, seem best for me, I am learning to trust Him more all the time. I just try to do what he brings me the best I can and offer it to Him with my thanks for all He does for me.

There is work here yet for me. I have lost the vision I had to a misty view but I know when He needs me to see something that He will show me clearly what needs to be loved by me.

He shows me He loves each of you just as you are, as I do, only so much more than I can. One way I thank Him is just to say I believe in Him to you. It's what He asks of me.

I do it so very poorly. I get afraid of what you will think. I chicken out. I still am not any more than I am as a human. I still lie sometimes. Even small ones hurt me. I broken promises, too. However much they mean, some I just can't seem to keep. That hurts me, I try now to keep my word. I am learning to say, I will do this the best I can, but not to make promises. They limit how I can work for Him. That is a mistake on my part. I have made it a lot this year.

I judge others, even though I do not want to be like that anymore. I judge and hurt myself when I KNOW that it is up to Him to judge me and mine to accept His Loving grace. I try to be what we call good and still I screw it up. I can only go to Him each time I see a mistake and ask His forgiveness and that He fix it for me.

Just like I couldn't pay the bill, He has paid it for me. Just like I can't be perfect here, He chose to stand in for me, I will not be punished. In His love He takes it from me.

If Jesus didn't love me just as I am I would never make it past the bouncer at the door. His grace covers me. I just keep asking for help and forgiveness and trying to do better. You won't ever be able to call me a saint. I am not even close.

But I have been so blessed today I would like God to know how thankful I am. I can't be thankful enough by myself. I am asking you to thank Him for me in prayer today.

I am thankful for each of you in my life. Family, friend or virtual accquaintence, you have each touched my heart.

Thank you for letting me share my good news with you. I love you all.