Halfway there

I woke today praying out loud again. Jesus and I were having a conversation. It was about acceptance. I was feeling me/hearing Him say how we are punished is His, too. When we punish ourselves we are judging us guilty. It's not our job. It is hard to leave that judgement where it belongs, to Him. We fear His power. We judge Him to be like us and He is not. The words petty, mean, cruel and grudge can not be applied to Him.

I see that by accepting our judgement of ourselves we are saying we know better than He does what we deserve. We do not accept His judgement if we keep all the shames, crimes and sins we think we have done in our hearts. He can't touch them if we won't give them. He will not force them from us.

Acceptance is not just accepting the love He sends as He wills. We have to be willing to accept His judgement of us. Then we have to be able to see what it is.

We have to stop running ourselves down and hating ourselves for what we see as our crimes. Letting go of our judgement is hard. It is full of "yes, buts" and "I should have's" and excuses and "I can't forgive myselves".

The book says if you accept His love you will not be judged. Not that you will be let go after a time of payment but that you will not be held accountable. That was the gift He gave us. To live forever and not keep beating ourselves up for eternity. He takes it from us in love.

If you reach to the light once and accept His love for you, you can lay down all that you see as fertilizer, even the parts you know are your fault and it is His to judge, not you. His is the higher power. It is His job.

If you have accepted His love how can you not accept His judgement of you? Can you only accept half of Him?. If you punish yourself you are doing His job. I was doing that, not knowing all of Him, not letting Him love me all the way. I couldn't accept it.

A Pardon is a gift. It is not law, not the rule. It is His to give where He will. We can't give it to ourselves and it is hard for us even to give to each other and really mean it. The law doesn't require pardon. His love gifts it to us. He already gave it to you. You only have to believe that and accept it. Then you have to see it.

I have beat myself up for years about letting go the children. Even believing it was best for them I saw me as unable to love them enough to stay and take care of them. I can't see the truth in everything but He showed me His judgement of it this morning. It was what he was talking with me about. Seeing what is. Seeing how He loves me.

The kids are back in my life and they love me. He brought them back to me years before I could even see the pardon in it. He had judged my actions toward them long ago and put them back in my life. It didn't have to turn out this way. If they never had spoken to me again I would have accepted that as right for them. But He brought them back to me.

Who am I to say He made a mistake? To continue to hurt myself with what I did then instead of just being glad I have them to love now was spoiling what I have with a hurt from my past. I had it buried, I thought, but it came back when I wrote it last week.

I thought about bringing it to them so they could say the words they may have in their hearts and I could help them deal with their feelings. I realized I could not heal them. He will have to bring that to them in His time, He may have already and I may never know because we don't discuss it.

Do I have a right to try to ease what was my shame by going to them for forgiveness with it? It might just open healing wounds again and what was the point to that? That I feel better? How loving would that be.

I took it to Him in prayer in my sleep I guess because that is where I was this morning. He already showed me the judgement. I just didn't see it. Now, with His word to me, I can. Thanking Him for the love of my children in my life, all three, I leave their hearts to Him knowing His power to heal in myself, I know it is there for all of us and them too. I can let it go.

As for how my decision has affected them, it is in His power of love to make it right for them in their hearts. He loves them better than I can. By seeing He has judged me good enough and let me have them back I can just be thankful to Him. I can quit hurting myself with my past actions. He says I did good enough. I needed to learn to accept it. I trust Him to heal their hearts for me.

I share what he gave me this morning. I see his judgement of me was given with grace before I even could see it. My judgement of myself was given with heartbreak and shame. He has not hurt me, I did. I let that go today and accept His judgement.

I think we lose our connection to Him when we fear Him. By only acceping His love and not His judgement we are only getting half the gift.

May you know all of Him.