Who done it?

I met some new people Friday night at a jam session I had been invited to attend. They came in all shapes and sizes and with all kinds of voices and instruments. Most of them knew each other. I was the "new kid". I felt welcomed enough to be comfortable and I knew one man there that played banjo at the Saturday jam.

I formed an opinion of one of them that was a little less than kind. The word I used was "flaky" - meaning not quite on the planet. I remember it takes one to know one and was ashamed. I tried to see what made me think of him that way. I couldn't figure it out. Later I met his brother and it went from flaky to "off the wall". I had no reason to think that but for the energy they put out. It was loud and bold and seemed just short of rude sometimes.

I finally realized, today, one of them reminded me of an actor who is funny but I don't like much. I just think the characters he plays are a little off in a negative way. The physical resemblence is visible. Two photos might be interesting to look at together to see how close they match.

Did I feel like that man was a little off because in the back of my head a bell rang? Was there a shuffling through of my experiences in life that hit a close match and said, "This one is like that one and that one is not good. Stay back,"? If we only have our own experiences and learnings to judge by here a lot that might be good looks bad.

I got a negative impression first but I went ahead in meeting them anyway, inspite of my first feelings, I took the time to sing with both of them that night. The one is wild but I can see the reason his bold spirit shines out. I would not have known what made him so real and wild if I had not intentionally tried to toss that first impression. He shared something with me that let me know him better. Do we let the negative judgements in us keep us from what might be good, not even knowing why we did it? I think that is what I almost did.

I haven't discounted that first impression all the way yet. I am slow. I know we learn to protect ourselves and others from harmful things. The mistake is in not understanding if the negative is really in them or me. In knowing them as they really are it will go away later or be confirmed and THEN I will decide if I get to know them as real friends. I will have to give it time and experience them as they are. I am pretty sure they are not the movie characters I saw a resemblence to at first.

That is the part that was in me, I am the one that applied it to them. When someone has hurt us in the past in a particular way it stays inside us. If an experience with another rings the bell does it get judged to be like the first one - even if it isn't the same at all? We get reminded of our hurt and anger from the first hurt, but how do we see this event is not that one?

When the bell rings do we just replay those feelings and dump them on one that might not deserve them? How can we do that to one that didn't even really do anything wrong? It just rang a bell from our past. They have no way to understand an earlier hurt or opinion just caused us to react to them as we did. That would mean we were the ones treating them unfairly.

I think that is what holding on to past hurts does to us. The memory of another time and person and pain can step into a new situation and make us back away. We may be losing a chance to have a new friend or enjoy a new event but the fear of something that happened in the past makes us back away.

When we judge someone and their actions by what we have known before are we expressing anger for what just happened or anger at what happened before? If that hurt is still in us and we didn't let it go how can we not hurt others with it? It is what is in us.

I was reminded of an actor by these men. I don't know the man himself, only parts he has played in movies. I didn't like the characters very well. They are not that man but I didn't like the parts he played. I believe a resemblence to that actor brought the negative characters to me. I applied something I feel toward pretend persons, that aren't even real, to other human beings.

That is a little complicated. I don't know if I explained it well. What I am getting from it is there is a reason we are not to judge but to experience life and others in it openly without preconcieved ideas. Many times we don't even realize we have them. Somehow I have to empty my mind and heart of everything that went before and approach each experience and person as new and just what they are - not what I think I might have seen or done with others before. I have to see just what is here and with me now.

I have to understand if someone rings my bell or "pushes my button" that it was not intentional. They can't know me that well yet. It is me that interprets what they did. It is me that is applying old feelings to new people and situations. It is not them.

I judge me full of fertilizer lately. I am glad it makes roses grow. I should have a lot of them. I can't take it out of me. I put it there with my choices in life. I know the one that can turn it, when I give it to Him, to love. He keeps bringing things up to me and I look at that mess and say, "You take it, please. I am sorry all I have to gift you with looks like fertilizer to me."

He smiles and says thank you for each nasty thing I give Him and then he shows it to for what it is in His love. As I give Him this He says there is a reason to be careful what we put in our hearts, it is what will come out of us. I thank Him for helping me try to be more like Him and give it up.

There was another woman there that night. She said, "I think I have met you before." She was playing guitar next to me. I knew as I heard her voice who she was. I had met her at the bluegrass festival this fall. She came to tell me I couldn't smoke where I was standing. I saw several more near me doing the same thing. She didn't go speak to them. They were men or with men. I was a woman alone.

I told her I wasn't aware of a rule, it wasn't posted anywhere and it wasn't on the flyers. I didn't want to make trouble but it really bothered me. We were outside where the wind was taking all the smoke away. I moved to suit her. Her approach and her way of speaking felt just short of rude to me. I knew she was doing what she thought was right but she was not nice about it at all, in my opinion. I have to say I really didn't like her for the way she handled it. I tried to let it go but I was having ornery thoughts. I got it out of my system finally but it took some prayer. I still couldn't love her but I was not angry at her.

So I knew who she was and when I told her I was the woman she told she couldn't smoke at the festival her eyes got round and she said, "Oh, right. I know you now." I saw her remember she should avoid me. She hadn't liked me, either.

I made a point of saying, "We got off to a bad start but that doesn't have anything to do with tonight. I am glad to see you again." "Nice to see you, too," she said. But she didn't speak to me again. We sang and played guitars together and it was fun. No real stress at all was between us. We didn't say good bye to each other when the night ended. I don't know if we can be friends but I am not angry or upset with her and I don't think she was upset with me by the end of the night.

She saw a different side of me and I saw her in a different way. We both got a chance for a second impression. We just are not the same kind of people and I don't think there is much hope we can be friends. I know we are not enemies. I can deal with that.

It was my first experience with her that made me not like her very much. Same for her. She had pushed one of my buttons. That was not her fault. It is my button. I gave it to Him as he showed it to me. I didn't like it very much.

That mutual wariness and avoidance was a valid feeling between she and I. My reaction caused part of it. Her joy in correcting others caused part of it. We both learned in a second meeting we were ok to hang with and play with and I will not avoid her again.

She taught me something. I am still judging by my past experience and not accepting what is happening now. The men that I had labeled flaky gave me hugs and sent me on my way feeling like I had made new friends as I left. If I had treated them like I would have those negative characters I would not have gotten to know them the little bit I did.

I am glad I understand why I got such a bad first impression. I will try to forget all that I have done and known in life and be open to the new experiences and people without those subliminal, sneaky negatives. I am watching for them now. I don't want to find I am not making friends because someone reminded me of another person or situation that hurt. I want to remember each experience is fresh and new each day.

I don't want to be controlled by the past. It's gone. If I have learned from it I want to remember the lesson but not apply them thoughtlessly. I have to pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling.

It's good to know not to try to pet a skunk but it is not good to see black and white cat and be afraid to pet it. You have to check it out for what it is now, not on what is was last time. I have to see life as it is now with each person only themselves and each experience only what it is, not a replay of an old one.

I think that is what I am learning today. To see it in His love, not my experience. It keeps life fresh and new and loving, not old and hurtful. I am not knocking the auto pilot that makes coffee by habit and drives me to work sometimes. I am just saying I don't want that "idiot control" in charge of my relationships with the people in my life.