Seeds of thought

Today I read again in 1 Corinthians 15
36... that which thou sowest is not quickened, except it die:

37 And that which thou sowest, thou sowest not that body that shall be, but bare grain, it may chance of wheat, or of some other grain:


NASV
36....That which you sow does not come to life unless it dies;

37 and that which you sow, you do not sow the body which is to be, but a bare grain, perhaps of wheat or of something else.

38 But God gives it a body just as He wished, and to each of the seeds a body of its own.



We don't plant a stalk of wheat or a zinnia in full flower. They will not grow. We plant their seeds. That is all that is left after the beauty has faded, withered and dried; Leaving what seems to be just a useless, brown, easily crumbled husk.

Each seed for each type of plant is different. Zinnia seeds are flat Wheat I think of as a small, pointed tooth. It doesn't look like much all tiny, dry and wrinkled.

A seed is not a plant, it contains the possibility of a plant within it. It needs the warmth of the sun, the nutrients in the earth and the rain to bring the life from it.

When we put small, hard, dry seeds in the dark of the earth we do not expect more small, hard, dry seeds to appear. We wait for the time when the seed will split the hull and bring the flower we know is contained in that seed to life.


Wheat seeds will not give corn plants. Moss rose seeds will not grow zinnias. The seeds each look different, but there is one thing common to each. They split as that within them is called by the sun and rain to grow and live. The seed itself is gone, food for the roots of the plant it sprouted or if it is too hard to be absorbed, the hull is just discarded.


The seeds between a man and woman create a body for a child. I think the seed of the spirit of God puts the life in it. It is part of each of us that can not be found as we see here, it is the part that is the spark of life that never dies, I think.

If our bodies are the seeds then the flower is the spirit within us. As we grow and reach out to the love that is God (and the Son) our spirits grow and ripen. The fruit or seed they leave behind is the love we sow in each other spirit that lives that we touch.

Like the flower needing the bee to carry the pollen so it may mature to make seeds, we need the love of each other and God for our spirit to ripen for harvest. To make seeds of love to leave in the spirits behind us we pass love between us for pollenation of our spirits.

Some of us spread love of beauty, others love of each other, some of us love of God. The love we have all came from Him. It spreads among us and gives us each what we need to make our seeds for him and plant them in the hearts we love with here.

Our bodies, like the flowers, wither, dry and age. The fruit that is the spirit of love and life in us grows through every age we reach.

Then comes the harvest. From sprout through full bloom to dried flower head, He choses what He needs and when from each of us. Some are thinned out as seedlings, some transplanted to His garden in full bloom and some of us appear to wither here but still He sees the seeds of love we plant here for Him as a beauty in us.

The witch hazel tree actually has a pod that pops apart and shoots it seeds for feet around it. Zinnia travel on the wind and wheat falls to the ground.

I think our seeds are invisible to our eyes but we can see them with our hearts in the love the ones we have touched hold, given to them by us. The pollen of my love to you will perhaps only touch one part of you and ripen just one seed but that is the love between us that brought it to life. One seed in me may be ripened by the love you showed to me.

When I share that love with others that you gave me it plants the seed of love we brought forth together in me.

Now let's make it simple.

I did not get the joy of giving my girls their first car, neither did their Dad. We had burned out two months after I got hurt at work. There was no money for a car or insurance. We all shared the one we had but it is not the same as your own.

The joy of making two girls smile at 16 years old went to our friend. He gave them a great car safe for two we loved to learn to drive in. The squeels of joy were shared among us all as he brought it over to them and handed them the keys.

The feelings of gratitude and gladness at his kind gift were well expressed. He knew he did a good thing. We all let him know it meant a lot to all of us different ways. He touched four hearts that day. We never gave him a dime but he had our love and knew it. Not just for the gift but for being the kind of man that saw the need and made the effort to fill it.

The girls have grown to be caring women, their father gone ahead. My heart remembered the fruit of loving those that need it, as I know that theirs has.

Many years later my nephew needed money and to sell a car. He was going in the Army. I didn't need another car. Still, it was on my heart to help.

When three families, friends of ours, burned out of their home there was a need for more ways of transportation. I got the joy of making the nephew happy and passing on a car where it was needed. It was fun all around and the seed that grew in my heart from the love of that friend was passed on to yet another as pollen to bring to life that seed in them.

Over and above all this, there grows within each one here a spirit that you can not see but that you can know is real. God seeks the growth of that loving spirit and sees the bloom that we can not. He seeks the life and love that is of Him and yearns to have it safe with Him forever in His great love.

Only for a little while are we here to grow, then harvest comes, in His plan and each of us goes home. I believe all love is of Him and we will be with the ones we love again. Until we are we are needed here as He has made us to spread the love that should be here for everyone.

It's just the way it seems to me. Friends here loving me and friends gone on ahead loving me, we will all be back together one day in the great love that is Him.

Trusting

I have so many thoughts going through my head I can't pick just one and expand it. They all call for thought and attention. Trust that God loves each and every one of us and does what is best for all of us, walk safe in His love.


How do you say that to one who's world has shattered? One who's best friend is gone in pain and perhaps not able to believe in a God of love right now?


How do you feed and grow a spirit? I am trying to see love in what appears to be fertilizer around here. I can not understand the love that God must see in the separation of two that love. I see the way my spirit has grown but the cost for that seems high to me. I guess I will understand it better when I get there.

But here I am. How can I help my friends? I feel helpless in front of their grief. I know the depths it reaches in them and can only stand helpless and let my tears fall for them.

The loss of the part of your spirit that belonged to the one that has gone on ahead is a shock to the heart, a pain to the body and it can not be replaced. For those of us with long years between us each one that has known us so long takes a part of our youthful self and we feel that much older. The ones that knew the same jokes and stories are no longer here to share them. We feel that much more alone.

We gather together to commemorate the life that has touched each of us but all of us must grieve alone in our spirits, no other can know all of us.

I reach for the One that knows all of me and loves me still and pray that he will ease each torn spirit and comfort them today.

I can't do it. Mine has had a shock, too. The first was that I lost one of my friends. The second that my other friend will walk the path I have and I don't know how to help her. I can cheer her on but I can not walk it for her even though I know one way through the dark.

My heart aches at all the sadness around me today. I pray He lifts it for them. I pray he lifts it from me. I see the joy in my friend being there. It is harder to see standing here with another friend gone from my days. With them, I miss him.

I have missed the gathering this time, too and it hurts me to grieve alone. I feel like I have let my friends down, even though I know it was not something I can change. I could not be there with the ones who have been there for me.

So I try to trust there is a reason that is was right in His plan. I can not see a way that good will come from it. I have to trust it will. That which is born of God over comes the world. He knows the truth of it. May His love touch each one today to heal and fill the gap in each sore spirit.

I didn't do it!

The friend that just went on ahead of me used to answer his phone that way. It was a game for me to make up answers to him that would make us laugh. I'm missing him still today.

The last time I saw him and his wife we met at the cafe. He didn't neglect to offer a hug and I wasn't slow to return it. I have the peace of knowing that all was right between us. I am thankful for that. My good bye that day was the last I gave but it was given. I am thankful for that.

I got a call that told me a friend in need was waiting for me at home. I was going to be with another friend after work, I thought. It made me remember to be sure I was wanted where I would land. I called and my friend told me she would rather have her time alone. I went home.

The sad truth was the friend waiting was claiming sanctuary. I would not refuse it. His spirit is so wounded there is only his self preservation keeping his body here, in my opinion. He is 'not himself', "the spirit has gone out of him". It is a hurt deeper than a bandaid or hug can fix. I know these are a truth because I have been there myself. It is a strange place I am glad to have survived it.

He needed a place he felt safe because he had done something he knew was wrong. Some one he trusted as a friend turned on him and he responded in pain. Communication with words had failed between them and he spoke by an action instead. He never touched anyone but what he did was done to hurt them. I think it probably did.

I listened and I tried to call it honestly as it seemed to me. I understood how he hurt so well that part of me wanted to help him get the response he seemed to need from his friend. I couldn't do that. It would have been wrong for me. But I knew a bit of how he felt. I was tempted. I said no. But I had to think it out.

I had time to think about it and I wasn't reacting in pain. I was upset because my friend hurt but I was sad there were others hurt now, too. There was so much that was 'not love' in the story I heard that it hurt me to listen. I prayed for a way to put some love into the situation.

I said the words that may have hurt him more because they were the truth to me. Truth is of love and I would not let him say it was okay to act like. What he did was intentionally hurt someone. That is wrong, to me. It's not what I wanted to say.

The world is full of hurts and pains for us enough in living here. Illness, injury, death, separation, and all the other things we deal with are bad enough for hurt. Giving pain to each other is just not how I want to live my life any more. I want to ease the hurts I see around me. So I tried to ease his hurt but could not say he was right to do what he did. I could only say I understood the pain that brought him to do it.

I made dinner for us and watched him eat. I listened more to him. He decided he had to go back where he was supposed to be. Before he left I saw real regret in him that he had acted as he did. I can only hope the guidance I tried to give helped and works to lead him back to the right path for his life. It's hard to see a friend falling away and not be able to help them.

Others will always see it differently than I do. My view seems very misty right now, nothing quite comes clear. But I am trying to stay centered in the love that does not betray or change and pass that comfort on to others.

I learned again this week that I see the world a little differently now than I did before I went back to the Divine Loving Being, Jesus, and he sat in my heart. There were two gifts given to a friend grieving that seemed strange to her. I saw not only the care in them but that they were needed by her. She may never see that.

I did not share how I saw it. It was not my place to explain they were loving gifts from one that understood what grief does to a body. I saw it my way and smiled at the kindness I saw in them. I am glad to have a friend that sees a need and fills it as best they can. But it showed me how there is a place for the way I see it, so I share it here.

I prayed this all to Jesus last night. It's too big for me to see the love in it through the pain I see all around me. I pray He touches all of it with His love and heals it, in His will and in His time - and shows me how I can help in my small way, that His will be done here soon.

The "US"of me and that hurting friend took a hit last night. I saw he hurts so badly that his ability to love and receive love is damaged. I saw I almost made a wrong move for the way I want to live now. I care, but I cannot see a way to let him closer to me as a friend right now.

He is standing in a dangerous place. He would not mean to but could take others down with him. Down is the wrong direction for me right now. I am trying to at least stand my ground. Falling back is too easy and I can't see anymore I can do to help. I can listen, I can care because I do. I have tried to give him a hand up, what he does with that is up to him.

It is not that he is not my friend, it is that he is not even his own friend right now. I can only take it in prayer and leave it with the One who can always help.

I see we touch each others lives and the touch between us lingers. If I have touched him with only a caring heart I can hope it helps him find his way back to himself and faith again. Feeling the draw of taking a negative action seeming like the right thing to do to help a friend - that set me back on my heels a bit.

I have to step back a little bit and let Jesus help my friend. All I can do is check in on him and let him know one here will still try to help if she can, but she will not do a hurtful thing to aid him. I do enough wrong by accident and mistake that I have to reach for His help with, I am trying to not put hurt in the world on purpose. But I saw me think about it and even say it, then say I would not. That was too close for me. I don't even like to think like that.

My heart that is so sad already because of the space my big friend left is a little more sore now as I see I can't help a friend.

There is a time to reach out and give a hand up and a time to let them walk alone. I don't like leaving them thinking I don't care, because I do. However they may see it, I have to try to do what I believe is loving here the best I can.

I am praying someone stronger than me can help the friend I see standing alone in the dark. God has a way of doing things even when I am not part of them - there is a smile in that. It's not up to me to save the world, as much as I might like it all my way.only that I do as He asks.

I am responsible for those he brings me, but only to Him, not them. However they may see it, I love the others in my life by bringing them to Him - for me that is the right way. Give it into His care and add my love to my prayers for them where He can use is as is right, the way He sees right, not in my Miss T. view where I am the center of it all.

His place in the true center is the one I reach out to when I see it as "not love" here. I know He can change it. He has His work cut out for Him working with us. I don't know how He does it even when I see it happen. He amazes me.

Not guilty

Another man, who stood like the center post of a large building of love, has left hearts fallen and jumbled behind him. His presence was removed from our lives here and he moves on up the path ahead of us now.

I have no concern for my friend that is gone but the shattered hearts left behind are many, varied and share one thing. My friend was one who cares and he treasured those like him with hearts that care who use their strength to help others.

When you have a heart that cares little leaves it untouched. Losing one that was so much to you as he was leaves a gaping space to heal in a heart that knows how to love.

I just do not have words for them that love him, I can only offer comfort them my tears and my hugs while the hurt is this raw. It is a deep regret in me that I was not available when they called to share the news.

I prayed for understanding, how could he have let me miss this call? Then I remembered who it was that was taken home.

He would not have spent five minutes waiting on a "maybe" when he had a sure thing, like a sunny day to ride in, whistling at him to live it.

I had been out to be with friends that needed help that morning. I continued to where my heart is lifted and, while there, met a friend from long ago in need of cheering and comfort. I gave it and a promise of more if I can. I ordered the cake for my mother's bday the next day. I was living and loving and caring and I got home when I got there.

My friend would never expect me to neglect those I care about or to forget to recharge my spirit so I would have what I needed to meet this hurt with love. He would have skipped his ride to heaven if someone needed him still.

I know that he delayed it until the one he loved most could reach him. As I love him for the effort that took, he loves me because of my caring heart.

I might have missed the gathering of raw grief but I am here for all of them that my need me for the long haul.

I see I needed to forgive me that I didn't know he was going. I had to forgive me for not always being at home. I had to forgive me for living and loving when he can't any more. I had to forgive me if one needed me and I wasn't there.

But when I got the call I reported in and went on to where I was needed most - being with the ones that I feel responsible for and loving them as I can. Meeting the needs I can and helping find solutions to the ones I can not.

I can't do everything I wish I could but I do what He brings me. It's never wrong to love and care - I know, my friend taught me that.

Prequel to Thankfulness, Punished

When I know there is nothing in my life not allowed by the Divine Loving Being I know loves me. I choose to walk in His Love. I should fear only losing my relationship with Him. I am not there yet. Other things still cause fear in me. Losing one he brought to me is my biggest fear.

One asked me "Why am I being punished when I think I am only doing good? What did I do that they do not love me?"

One said, "Why do I feel like I am being punished? I just got right with Jesus."

One said to me, "They tell me it's stupid to love someone who treats me like that one does."

One says, "How could I be so stupid to not see I was being lied to and cheated on. Everyone knew it but me?"


I can't answer the questions. They have all been mine at one time and another in my life.

The question I had that echoed them all I took to God in prayer. A change was made in my heart that day and all I know is - true love is never wrong to give. Untruth and selfishness taint it here unless it begins with loving God. When it begins in just us we expect it to be returned.

Why are we not getting a return on our care and love for others in our lives? That is the human way to see it. I look for my return on the love I share here from Jesus. He supplies all my need. Working through the hearts around me that are His they show His love to me.


I try to pass it on to those that need it so badly here. But some how I see things in a different way now and those questions don't haunt me, even though I have no answer for them.

I am not being punished. I am being blessed. Living here on this little planet I can't always see what is best for me when I am in it, only when I have passed through it does it show the silver linings of love to me. The blessings look like fertilizer to me sometimes and the richer it smells the more I know I will grow - but they don't call them "growing pains" because they are fun.

I think that when my heart is His first, that is where I seek my joy. I may not seem to help where I try to. I know I can look Him in the face and say "I did what I thought you brought me to do the best I know how - now what?", with no shame for not trying to show His love.


I don't have to trust people to not hurt me, I don't have to trust they won't take advantage of me. People will be what they are, but in His love, I am free to give what is needed in my eyes. I know He meets my needs and holds my heart safe. I trust Him to protect me. I don't have to protect my heart, He does that for me.


It doesn't mean I am not disappointed when one may seem to be careless of me, it just means I don't see it as directed against me personally. It is their decision to make. I am safe where I stand. I see they can not keep their word or I see they can not be kind. That is just like me, too. We are all only human. 'Screw ups R us', without Him.

I see that they still hurt and will again until they find the peace only He can give. I try to share it but I just don't seem to have the right words every time. They go on hurting and I go on caring and trying to help, at the very least, in prayer. I hurt still, sometimes, too. I learn to take it to Him in all the confusion it gives me.

Today is two years since the mate died. I have a new bill on the desk for 23,000.00+ for my heart surgury. I know it is only the first, not the total due. One for 38.00 joined it. I can pay that one.


Am I being punished for living still? I don't see it that way. Without their treatment I would have died. I owe the debt but can't pay it, I don't see anyway I ever can. Even my house is not enough to meet the bills and buying my medication is a monthly expenditure now, if I continue to take it.


I have been praying about it. He wants me here, He kept me here, and what He does He pays for. He wanted to love with me enough to die here first to show we live forever. I trust Him to show me a way to meet my debts or go bankrupt honorably. The honor counts in His love that is truth. He will show me how to make it right somehow.

I don't feel punished that I have nothing but love here to call mine. That and the time I have to live and love the way I am now are all I own. I give them to Him, too. I don't know why I smile today, I see the mess around me the world is in and can only say I believe He will overcome the things of the world in His time and His plan.

I see the hurt of betrayal and lies, greed and selfishness are taking their toll on hearts and know He has the power in His hands to heal it all.

May His will be done and His kingdom come, soon. In the mean time I keep trying to live more like Him and know I can not do that. I am only me. I am glad He lives! I know He loves you all. I know that He loves me.

Not the law, but the Love

Mom mentioned there would be a fund raiser for teen programs at her church. She named the man who would be running is and said "It may be a little unorthodox", then laughed. She meant the man so loves Jesus he will do anything he can to bring the children to Him.

I was trying to be funny, too, when I said, "Isn't that Jewish?" Orthodox and Unorthodox usually refers to Jews. I think Jesus was the first unorthodox Jew.

Then I continued the thoughts out loud that came to me. Jesus was unorthodox in his beliefs and methods. He started in the synagogue with the elders but ended up in the fields without them.

Even if the belief he taught had matched theirs he would have ended up in the streets. The building wasn't build that could hold his ministry. When he taught inside the people even came in through the roofs to try to reach him and hear him. He had to be outside the church just to speak to the ones that wanted to hear him.

His belief in the grace of God was not by the law they lived under from Moses. His power to heal was not theirs. They could not deny the evidence of His power but He did not believe as they did.

He went where he was needed and he did what was right by God, not in the words of the law. If what you are doing seems a little unorthodox you maybe following His example.

Invisible

1Jo 4:12 No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.


As we are now we can not see God as all of His powerful self. The bodies are not made for it. They can only see the proofs of Him.


Like seeing my area from a plane, I could see buildings and roads but the people were to small to be visible from that far away. Still, I could see the things they had made and know they had to be there.


What we can see is His love in what He has made. I think He is reflected in each of us by our loving care of each other.

I think, when we act lovingly, we are proof of His greater love and moving in His divine will. When I care and love any one here, I am loving and caring for the part of Him manifested here with me. His love made visible is each of us living and each of us loving.

No, I can not see God, but I can see the evidence of Him.

It's not me, it's Him

The view from here sometimes seems to fade into the fog. I can say what I am doing and I can say what I believe but I can't seem to see what comes next. I would like to find a way that leads others to believe and have peace in their lives. Right now I am working blind.


It is so clear to me that where I am is where I should be. It seems clear that the only way here was the path I held to. Eeven the parts I didn't like have proved to have a loving reason behind them. While looking ahead to the wall of fog, I know it's been clear behind me.


Moving when you have no sure sight of where to put your feet slows you down to double check you know where you are going. I'm checking and I'm praying but sometimes it seems very quiet in the fog.


There have been tasks brought to me that I have done, even thinking I was crazy as I did them. I have a glimpse of a task ahead that sent me running back to prayer. He has to be kidding.


But God, I can't do that. My faith is too small and I don't have the authority. I don't have the power. In prayer I see the authority He grants us each is Love. The power is never ours that creates life or heals it, that is His. The task He entrusts to each of us is simply to love with Him.


To give our love where He leads us and to give help where it's asked. To do what we see is needed to show others that He loves us and them. To love being able to help them and to offer what we can see, in our love, needs to be done and do it, if we can. He doesn't ask that we be mind readers or even that we have great faith, only that we don't leave undone what we could have given a hand to when we see it.

Where we see a need we can't meet then it is time to go to Him and ask Him to put His love to the situation. The power is always His. The love is His. The decision is His. But we can always ask Him to see it our way and know His power can change it.

By what authority do we invoke His power. Who said you could change a life here, even by one hour or event?

When asked by Pharisees what authority He had he made them acknowledge they believed it came from a higher power. They said, "We don't know".

I think that the answer is the authority of Love the Power, that "I Am" we call God. I saw, I cared, I want to help. If I can I do and if I still care but can't help then I pray. It is the only answer I have.

I have seen prayer work in my life and the lives around me to often to deny the power of it. Where it seems I have a line in the sand I fear to step over is to pray for others in their presence and calling on Him to bring the comfort or blessing that I see they think they need.

What if it fails? What if I have overstepped what is my place with Him? What if I lead someone, not just wrong, but to walk away from Him? Why would I even want to do something like that? Pray where my words are heard by others?

I believe He hears me. I have seen it over and over again. I believe He lives and loves and yearns for joy in each life here. Why will I not risk my little faith in front of others?

I believe it is fear that stops me at this line. I am working it through with Him. Nothing happens that he can not control it's beginning and it's results. If, in love, we show we believe to another it is in His power to make it right. That is all the faith I have to have. That, when we call it "In His will and the name of " that He will control what happens next to bring glory to the Father.


There may be no reaction as I pray, there may be no event to point to and say - that happened next. It may seem I have failed to help them. I am only human, that is what I expect to happen if I am blessing them myself. Nothing.


If I bring them to Him they are now His and it is His joy to love them. As that person walks their days I believe He will touch them in a way only they can see. It may be only they will know the power that is His love has touched their life.


I see I have brought others to him, I see that I care for them as a human. They say there have been changes in them that are good. It is not me that changed them. It was only me showing them what I believe and sending them to Him.


There is one I have known I have a task to do with them. There is another now that I believe I am being asked to do another for. I have been afraid. If I fail, I don't just look crazy and perhaps lose their friendship, I may lose them for Him was my largest fear. Losing even one He brings me is not what I want to talk about with Him when I get there.


Now I see that can't happen. It is never wrong to love. It is never wrong to care. It is only wrong to do what we need for ourselves to be happy instead of what is right for them. Perhaps what is right for them is to show them I believe, not in me, not in them, but in Him.


What I feel is right may not look like the most loving thing to them but if it's right between me and God then I have to try.

I am still afraid but I think the fog is lifting.

Love calls to your heart

Today has gone from grey to blue skies again and back to clouds blocking the sun. It's cold enough to frost your cheeks in the bit of wind there is blowing but it looked so warm when the sun was shining.

I'm feeling today a little drifty, like a balloon tied to a tree. I am tugging to go where the wind drives me but seem anchored in some way. I don't know if that is good or bad, it is just how I feel. It's like my heart is being called to be somewhere and my body can't make the trip.

It may just be what I think of as being called to prayer. I can send my love but "I" have to stay where I am.

So I think of each I love like flipping through the pages of a book. There in my mind I see the faces of the ones who may need extra love today. There is always one there, my heart opening to that page from going to it so often, but today there is another coming to mind along with it.

Now this one is not as close to me as some and I am a little surprised. But I call the name to Jesus and ask His love and mercy to cover them. Then the other comes to me stronger. I ask mercy for them, too.

If somewhere they have thought of me as one who loves them and might help I send my love in answer to them by prayer to God until I can go myself or they get in touch.

Our love binds us together invisibly, His love keeps the power in the the connections. When you get a love call to your heart how can you not answer?

I don't even know why I shared this. It's just how I am feeling; Like something is happening somewhere and all I can do is pray to show I care.

All for me?

Today on my way to work the clouds had a brilliantly lit gap in them . The gray day was like the simple cloth laid behind a diamond to show it's perfection. The sun put a high gold edge of light on the open clouds that looked like the valley of the sun tucked between the cold mountain.

Yesterday there was a small gap in the morning gray that was pink and red and yellow. As I drove there came a beam of light through it. It swept from south to north like the guiding arm of a spotlight from an airport. It traveled like a search light and then flattened against the clouds and was gone again. Just a small bit of light still showed against the gray.

When I was in the south this year I walked out the door one night to see the gibbious moon balanced on the ridge to my right. The small hollow that it laid in shaped the light into a flow that ran down the ridge to the creek like a shining path in the dark.

I stood in darkness as a fold of the hill kept the light contained where I could see it but to stand in it I had to move. If I moved it would all change.

Then I realized I had to be in exactly that spot for the path of moonlight to appear before me. If I was shorter the moon would have appeared to be behind the ridge, not resting on it. If I was taller there would have been a gap. If I was not exactly as I was and where I was I would have seen and experienced something different.

That same moon that lit the road toward home for me that night and drew me to it, telling me I would be going home again was shining over my home that night. Uncounted other people that were out there in the dark were seeking answers to their heart's questions, trying to find their way, romancing, or just watching the moon out the window.

To each of them in their life on that night that moon would say just what the Creator wanted them to understand. For those that had eyes to see and sought the truth there would be an answer as direct as the one I saw for me.

Later I thought, "Don't shoot pool with God. He's got a devasting bank shot!" From one rock hung before a human touched the earth I saw he would know where I would stand and what place and built me just to see the beauty of the moon pouring it's light from the ridge.

Each one everywhere was fitting right where they should be in His plan and would find the truth of Him as he revealed it to them the way he showed He lives to me. He knew what size they were and how they saw the world and where they were standing as well as what they needed.

Then I said a prayer for all the ones I carry in my heart. As the moon went behind the ridge the light drew back from the creek. The road to home became filled with the last of the moon's light.

Why did it matter and why did I smile? Should I stay where I was or return to where I had been? That had been my prayer. For me, where I stood was in the dark but the way home, where the light was shining for me, called me to it. I would stop looking for work and go home.

I went back in and went to bed at peace in my heart that I knew some of the truth of what I had seen.

The other thought I have had about this you must each decide for yourselves. How much of the beauty I see each day did he put there just for me to enjoy? I think all of it.

I saw two eagles today perched together in a tree over the river. I slowed and tried to see if it was a pair or a parent and adolesent. Others drove right by it. They never saw the joy of bald eagles in the morning, resting together in the dead appearing tree against the grey sky over the cold river like I do. I saw the promise of crops starting well in the spring, enough game to support our wildlife, shade for summer and the wistful yearning to fly touched me again.

Perhaps they were there just for me to see and love seeing them. Anyone could share the gift of the view, but they would see it different. Those that saw just two big birds and a grim, cloudy day I can only pray He touches them. My view may be misty but I like the way I see it when I look through His love.

If my friend and I see a summer field of deer and flowers each of us will have our eyes drawn to just what please us. I may see the bluebells, mom would see the daisies, my friend would see the buck inspite of the fact he wore no antlers yet.

Perhaps the beauty is not just there for me to enjoy. It may be that it is there for me to love seeing the one way I see it and there for the way you see it, too, just your way. Still we can both feel He made it just what we love seeing for each of us.

How He makes one thing appear so different to each of us is amazing to me.

I am still alive

What is my responsibility and what is the Creators? That is one of the questions I worked through between the second and the fourth days of the new year.

He gave me the answer before I asked the question. Tuesday morning I was given I John 5:4 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world.... by Strong's concordance overcome is prevail, subdue or get the victory. To me it means it becomes reality here inspite of anything we or the world think we can do to change it. It can not be changed if it is of God's will. Nothing has the power to modify it.

If it is of God nothing can stop any thing from happening. If it is of God nothing can defeat it. I met a man who tried to kill himself five times after his wife died and he finished his story by saying, "....but I keep getting sent back."

I have been helping a new friend out. I saw he was being called of God, in my understanding. I know it is not easy to get our attention. His was being almost forced to God as all there was left to him. I was trying to show that those of us that believe and care will be there for him, even beyond what "social rules" call right for new aquaintances.

He had three things he wanted and one was kept from him by finances. I offered to help. Your first clue is - I am a she, he is a he. The second is thatI had known him about an hour. I offered to try and cover his need.

None of us likes to feel obligated to another, especially a person we don't know well and, in my view, a man really doesn't like to let a woman lift him over the hump, they like to do that for us. Those of my age do, I think, anyway. I like it when they do that for me, too, but I learned they are just like us and sometimes need a hand up. But it was hard for him to accept help from a stranger, much less a woman. He had just been badly hurt by two others. Still, he has tried again.

Over the next two days we dickered. He has skills, I have a house full of repairable things I can't fix. He has money coming but not quickly enough to suit him. I had money now. I offered a short and small loan. He had to be places to get this done. I offered rides.

He saw no reason for me to do so much for him. We had no sparks between us, so to speak. We did like each other right away but it wasn't the partner kind of like. Why would I help him? He didn't want to be obligated but he wanted to get his life on track again. He decided to trust me not to turn it into an unwanted obligation. He saw I really wanted to help him. It really would be my pleasure.

I saw his scheduled plans, I saw how mine could help. I watched as God still kept him coming back to him. Things would get rescheduled, planned times were missed for fixing things and such that were out of our control.

The timing was not that man's, not mine, but still God's. He would get what he needed in God's time, not ours, no matter how much we wanted it differently. What is of God becomes real.

I was pondering my questions and fears of the future, or lack of it, as I saw it coming, on the fourth. I took the day off work because now the pain was bad in my chest just to get a cup of coffee from the counter to the table.

I called to talk that morning and see how this new friend was doing. That day he needed a ride for official paperwork. His other ride didn't see how important it was to him and had put it back to match their timing. I offered to take him and he accepted.

I thought I wasn't going to make it there. I got a pain when I sat in the truck. Then it passed and was totally gone. I went. It got his first goal accomplished. I loved seeing him smiling for a while. Even when he got it things conspired to keep him from using it yet. I saw there was a reason for it I could not understand.

As we had coffee afterward I realized I was in distress again. I was also sitting with the only friend I know that was carrying nitroglycerin pills. It was time for my decision.

I knew I had been sent back. I knew I was supposed to be here then. With no insurance it would take everything I had to do it now even if I lived. I might not.

I was looking at destitute again. I have been there before. My children would have no inheritance, I would have no home of my own.

My mate was on the other side, I liked that thought a lot. My dad, my brother and more of my family I loved were there, too. Jesus is at the gate for me, waiting. I will love being with Him again. I am not afraid to go back to God.

But there are those who I feel need me in their lives right now. This man I had only known a week was one of them. To show my faith I have to live what I believe. I had been doing that in little ways, I didn't know if I could do it in this big one. All I had? to live? Why not just let go and head for home?

Then the answer hit me. For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world. What is of God prevails. If he wanted me here then here I would be in whatever circumstances come.

My only choice was how long I would deny what I could see He wanted from me. I had to chose to walk here in whatever way he wants, not mine. I had to really want what He wants for me. I could die with the nice pain medication in my system if that is what He planned. No hurt to me then. Or I could live. That really isn't up to me, that is up to Him.

What is my part in this if I am walking in His will? To show him my desires and needs so that He can meet them for me even though I see no way for them to become reality. I have to want something enough to pray for it. I have to love something and my people enough to care and bring them to him. I have to care, I have to love. I do.

His will in my life is that His power and Love show, not my love and power, His. Then, through me His love is shown to others, I think.

They can see He works in my life, they wonder if He can work in theirs and begin to see the miracles in our every day of life as He begins to be real to them. I am his demo human if I walk for Him. I like that.

Now I was going to need a miracle. Either he had to bring me through this to live and find a way to pay for it or comfort my family for me. That would take some doing, either way.

I saw He would get me to the hospital one way or the other. If I left where I was sitting I might crash the truck or hurt someone. I would end up in the hospital with more damage to me.

If I stayed where I sat and said nothing eventually I would keel over and they would call 911. It was going to hurt me. I don't like pain. I really don't like physical pain. I could see it would only get worse.

But there was relief for the pain available, if I would ask. My new friend had what I needed. Did I desire His will enough in my life to leave it all to Him? Did I want to live? Did I want to live, even broke and perhaps dependent on others for a place to be and food?

Well, NO! I like being independent. I love my family and my friends, though and I trust God to work it out for me. He does know what I need and what I only think is important. I know he loves me and wants only what is right for me in His loving plan.

I asked my friend for a pill and he looked at me funny but gave it. Then I asked for a ride to the hospital because I didn't think I could drive in. He was only a one week friend but he took me and stayed until my family could get there. He was considerate and caring and I would not have been able to show him better that there is a purpose, still, in his life. He had just saved mine, in a fashion. It was knowing him that got me the pill I needed to make it to treatment.

So I thank Jesus for the friend I thought I was helping but that I needed to survive. I think we will be friends a long time.

God and I have problems sometimes. I get human on him. They wouldn't send me in for the operation I knew I was going to need, they just wanted to "observe". I had taken the nitro and had nothing to show if I laid still and didn't move. I wasn't going to waste their time and the money I don't have. I signed myself out of ER after four or five hours. I got my next pain when I put on my shoes to leave. They couldn't see it on the moniter, no one would listen to my heart then, I was leaving. Idjits!

I got my own prescription for nitro and sis drove me home. I had a friend coming over to stay with me and sis was coming back. She no more than left than it all ripped lose again. Three nitro later I called 911. I knew the local ER's. They were fast.

I remembered later that someone had snow blowed my driveway the day before. I did not know who it was. Turns out it was my husband's ex wife's current husband. I would not have ever guessed it was them. It was not exactly a socially acceptable favor for him to do and she had said he could when he told her it looked bad here. She and I are friends but that is just a little strange, don't you think? They had never done that before.

You tell me why the ambulances didn't get stuck in my drive. I have not shoveled more than a path all year, I just drive through it. There was about eight to ten inches from wind in my drive the day it was plowed out. I can't explain it. You do it.

This time I got sent right on to the next hospital in the Big City. I just left it all with God. He would put me where He wanted me but I had done my part. I tried to get what I thought I needed to stay here. Here, or there with Him, I was good either way. As He leads I follow.

I am still here today. I am where he wants me to be. What is of God overcomes the world as we can see it and becomes real to us, I believe, even when you can't believe it.

I was told I was 99.9% blocked in what they call "the widow maker" or the death artery. They can't believe I had symtoms for only three days. I should not have been able to do anything without pain for weeks.

You tell me why that is. I can think it was a sudden blockage of something that broke loose. They say it was a build up. But I should have hurt or been slowed down for a long time according to the doctor's beliefs. I was not. Just Tueday all that saw me would have thought I was fine and dandy, I know, I asked. I thought maybe I didn't notice I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt - NOT! I was fine until the night of the second of January. That was the first pain I had.

Whatever the truth of how it happened I live now and they helped me get here. I am good to keep loving here. I am good with God. Thank you for that! Amen.

Again there will be changes I can't see yet because of this event. They are already calling for payment arrangements and appointments I don't want to go to. I am too tired to think about all that yet so I pray God will handle it and try to rest.

But my new friend has been over and I got to see all the family and most of my friends this week, or at least talk to them. There is love here for us together and we have the joy of it.

The one I wish to make peace with I may still have a chance to see. I would dearly love that things were right between us here even if we were not friends I would like to know what was wrong between us. I did not mean to do them a wrong, it seems I must have somehow. Down here that is what not speaking is supposed to mean. I choose to believe it just means they don't know yet what to say and pray they will be given the desire to heal the breech as I have.

I think my only real choice was - How bad did I want this to hurt? I could go where I was lead or I could wait to be dragged. What is of God's plan becomes reality here no matter how strange the rules of this world make it.

So love enough to pray and love the One that not only creates life but can give us His grace to make it a joy to live it again.

That is my only obligation here, not to pay the mortgage, not to meet my bills, I know He can do that for me. Who I owe it all to is the one who healed my heart and brought joy back to my days.

I can not repay Jesus so I show my thanks to Him by caring for those He loves. They are not obligated to me in anyway by the rules of this society. I am making payments of love to the One I can't repay. I invest in futures, not for me or for my benefit, but for His. He covers me in all ways. I do unto others as He brings them to me, in my love for Him.

That is so hard to share here where everything is measured. He gave all He had so I can live. I will give all I have to show I believe He cares for me. It's all I can do - keep saying and showing I believe He lives and I believe we don't die.

I know that I will get back there one day, glad to be there. I see it's not my time yet. I might mutter a quiet, "darn it" but I am smiling as I write this. I am still here in a body with a smile on it's face. There are hugs left in my arms yet. I share them where they are needed.

I am only here of His will today but I am glad to love with all of you while I am here. May your hearts and spirits be healed and your joy returned to you. May you gently learn that each love in your life a gift.

If you trust God the world can't hurt you - not one of them. I don't have to trust others not to hurt me. I trust God to keep me safe and functioning as He needs me to do each day. What is of God takes the victory over the rules of the world. No matter how you see it, He can show you how it really is is Him, if you let Him.

I don't worry about pay backs from the ones I help, He covers them. I keep seeing that, in my view, I am where I am supposed to be and doing what I feel lead to do because He knows I love doing it.

I love helping people and I love cheering them up. I love thinking I have helped someone who stands in a hard place get back to the top of things. I love writing and sharing it. I love singing and playing my guitar. I love feeling happy. I love showing my friends and family that they are important to me and loved, too.

I love being loved.

Today is all you have.

I think I just learned I am content.

If it was your last day on earth what would you do? Most of you will have thought about it.

What if it was your last day on earth and you just did your regular, planned, stuff?

I thought about declaring a new holiday for mid January - I'm not Dead Day - but another blogger was complaining there were too many holidays from Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day so I stopped short of lobbying for it.

Still - with what you have available and what is possible on your own - if you knew when you laid down tonight you would never get back up - what would you do?

My family and friends all know I love them and what I believe. I called a lot of them for the holiday. Animals are covered, bills and paperwork are current. Mom is good and Sis is there for her. I have traveled in the mountains, the plains and seen both oceans.

I have things planned this afternoon to help some friends and don't want to disappoint them. If I took off for a quick shot to Tennessee or some place they might not have what they need.

The boss was expecting me and the guys know if I am selling they are working. Mom forgot her mittens, I brought them in for her to pick up.

Later tonight I will have it all done, the money in the bank and the visits and errands done. I will go home. Back to the house I have been peaceful in for years I will do the chores and feed the animals. I can chose to write or read or sing and play guitar or just clean up and go to bed early.

If I was going to sleep tonight and knew I would not wake up here I would still know I had done what was right for me this day.

I go to bed knowing those I love know I love them, those I call friend knowing they are important to someone, that what I am responsible for I have done and enjoyed the doing.

I am content. I am fulfilled. It's a good life. It's not what I had but it is still mine to live and I am glad to do it.

I saw the eagle by the river today on the way in to work. I saw the deer in the fields as I went by, feeding in the snow. I saw the snow outlining the tree branches against the blue of the sky. I saw my Mom, I prayed for the rest. It's a good day - so far.

I have one friend I would like to make peace with. I have the bird feeders to fill. One I can still do today, the other I can not. I am content I tried to do what was right.

Each day I walk where I am lead the grace of God can bring me God's peace in life. I trust Him for that and do what is brought to me the best I can, content.

If I had just today to live I have been alive to it and I am glad to have had it. And if I wake up I have today again! No worries about tomorrow now. Today is where I live.

That blessing I am thankful for - knowing once again that life is good and I am content.

Phillipians 4: 4-9