I didn't do it!

The friend that just went on ahead of me used to answer his phone that way. It was a game for me to make up answers to him that would make us laugh. I'm missing him still today.

The last time I saw him and his wife we met at the cafe. He didn't neglect to offer a hug and I wasn't slow to return it. I have the peace of knowing that all was right between us. I am thankful for that. My good bye that day was the last I gave but it was given. I am thankful for that.

I got a call that told me a friend in need was waiting for me at home. I was going to be with another friend after work, I thought. It made me remember to be sure I was wanted where I would land. I called and my friend told me she would rather have her time alone. I went home.

The sad truth was the friend waiting was claiming sanctuary. I would not refuse it. His spirit is so wounded there is only his self preservation keeping his body here, in my opinion. He is 'not himself', "the spirit has gone out of him". It is a hurt deeper than a bandaid or hug can fix. I know these are a truth because I have been there myself. It is a strange place I am glad to have survived it.

He needed a place he felt safe because he had done something he knew was wrong. Some one he trusted as a friend turned on him and he responded in pain. Communication with words had failed between them and he spoke by an action instead. He never touched anyone but what he did was done to hurt them. I think it probably did.

I listened and I tried to call it honestly as it seemed to me. I understood how he hurt so well that part of me wanted to help him get the response he seemed to need from his friend. I couldn't do that. It would have been wrong for me. But I knew a bit of how he felt. I was tempted. I said no. But I had to think it out.

I had time to think about it and I wasn't reacting in pain. I was upset because my friend hurt but I was sad there were others hurt now, too. There was so much that was 'not love' in the story I heard that it hurt me to listen. I prayed for a way to put some love into the situation.

I said the words that may have hurt him more because they were the truth to me. Truth is of love and I would not let him say it was okay to act like. What he did was intentionally hurt someone. That is wrong, to me. It's not what I wanted to say.

The world is full of hurts and pains for us enough in living here. Illness, injury, death, separation, and all the other things we deal with are bad enough for hurt. Giving pain to each other is just not how I want to live my life any more. I want to ease the hurts I see around me. So I tried to ease his hurt but could not say he was right to do what he did. I could only say I understood the pain that brought him to do it.

I made dinner for us and watched him eat. I listened more to him. He decided he had to go back where he was supposed to be. Before he left I saw real regret in him that he had acted as he did. I can only hope the guidance I tried to give helped and works to lead him back to the right path for his life. It's hard to see a friend falling away and not be able to help them.

Others will always see it differently than I do. My view seems very misty right now, nothing quite comes clear. But I am trying to stay centered in the love that does not betray or change and pass that comfort on to others.

I learned again this week that I see the world a little differently now than I did before I went back to the Divine Loving Being, Jesus, and he sat in my heart. There were two gifts given to a friend grieving that seemed strange to her. I saw not only the care in them but that they were needed by her. She may never see that.

I did not share how I saw it. It was not my place to explain they were loving gifts from one that understood what grief does to a body. I saw it my way and smiled at the kindness I saw in them. I am glad to have a friend that sees a need and fills it as best they can. But it showed me how there is a place for the way I see it, so I share it here.

I prayed this all to Jesus last night. It's too big for me to see the love in it through the pain I see all around me. I pray He touches all of it with His love and heals it, in His will and in His time - and shows me how I can help in my small way, that His will be done here soon.

The "US"of me and that hurting friend took a hit last night. I saw he hurts so badly that his ability to love and receive love is damaged. I saw I almost made a wrong move for the way I want to live now. I care, but I cannot see a way to let him closer to me as a friend right now.

He is standing in a dangerous place. He would not mean to but could take others down with him. Down is the wrong direction for me right now. I am trying to at least stand my ground. Falling back is too easy and I can't see anymore I can do to help. I can listen, I can care because I do. I have tried to give him a hand up, what he does with that is up to him.

It is not that he is not my friend, it is that he is not even his own friend right now. I can only take it in prayer and leave it with the One who can always help.

I see we touch each others lives and the touch between us lingers. If I have touched him with only a caring heart I can hope it helps him find his way back to himself and faith again. Feeling the draw of taking a negative action seeming like the right thing to do to help a friend - that set me back on my heels a bit.

I have to step back a little bit and let Jesus help my friend. All I can do is check in on him and let him know one here will still try to help if she can, but she will not do a hurtful thing to aid him. I do enough wrong by accident and mistake that I have to reach for His help with, I am trying to not put hurt in the world on purpose. But I saw me think about it and even say it, then say I would not. That was too close for me. I don't even like to think like that.

My heart that is so sad already because of the space my big friend left is a little more sore now as I see I can't help a friend.

There is a time to reach out and give a hand up and a time to let them walk alone. I don't like leaving them thinking I don't care, because I do. However they may see it, I have to try to do what I believe is loving here the best I can.

I am praying someone stronger than me can help the friend I see standing alone in the dark. God has a way of doing things even when I am not part of them - there is a smile in that. It's not up to me to save the world, as much as I might like it all my way.only that I do as He asks.

I am responsible for those he brings me, but only to Him, not them. However they may see it, I love the others in my life by bringing them to Him - for me that is the right way. Give it into His care and add my love to my prayers for them where He can use is as is right, the way He sees right, not in my Miss T. view where I am the center of it all.

His place in the true center is the one I reach out to when I see it as "not love" here. I know He can change it. He has His work cut out for Him working with us. I don't know how He does it even when I see it happen. He amazes me.