One asked me "Why am I being punished when I think I am only doing good? What did I do that they do not love me?"
One said, "Why do I feel like I am being punished? I just got right with Jesus."
One said to me, "They tell me it's stupid to love someone who treats me like that one does."
One says, "How could I be so stupid to not see I was being lied to and cheated on. Everyone knew it but me?"
I can't answer the questions. They have all been mine at one time and another in my life.
The question I had that echoed them all I took to God in prayer. A change was made in my heart that day and all I know is - true love is never wrong to give. Untruth and selfishness taint it here unless it begins with loving God. When it begins in just us we expect it to be returned.
Why are we not getting a return on our care and love for others in our lives? That is the human way to see it. I look for my return on the love I share here from Jesus. He supplies all my need. Working through the hearts around me that are His they show His love to me.
I try to pass it on to those that need it so badly here. But some how I see things in a different way now and those questions don't haunt me, even though I have no answer for them.
I am not being punished. I am being blessed. Living here on this little planet I can't always see what is best for me when I am in it, only when I have passed through it does it show the silver linings of love to me. The blessings look like fertilizer to me sometimes and the richer it smells the more I know I will grow - but they don't call them "growing pains" because they are fun.
I think that when my heart is His first, that is where I seek my joy. I may not seem to help where I try to. I know I can look Him in the face and say "I did what I thought you brought me to do the best I know how - now what?", with no shame for not trying to show His love.
I don't have to trust people to not hurt me, I don't have to trust they won't take advantage of me. People will be what they are, but in His love, I am free to give what is needed in my eyes. I know He meets my needs and holds my heart safe. I trust Him to protect me. I don't have to protect my heart, He does that for me.
It doesn't mean I am not disappointed when one may seem to be careless of me, it just means I don't see it as directed against me personally. It is their decision to make. I am safe where I stand. I see they can not keep their word or I see they can not be kind. That is just like me, too. We are all only human. 'Screw ups R us', without Him.
I see that they still hurt and will again until they find the peace only He can give. I try to share it but I just don't seem to have the right words every time. They go on hurting and I go on caring and trying to help, at the very least, in prayer. I hurt still, sometimes, too. I learn to take it to Him in all the confusion it gives me.
Today is two years since the mate died. I have a new bill on the desk for 23,000.00+ for my heart surgury. I know it is only the first, not the total due. One for 38.00 joined it. I can pay that one.
Am I being punished for living still? I don't see it that way. Without their treatment I would have died. I owe the debt but can't pay it, I don't see anyway I ever can. Even my house is not enough to meet the bills and buying my medication is a monthly expenditure now, if I continue to take it.
I have been praying about it. He wants me here, He kept me here, and what He does He pays for. He wanted to love with me enough to die here first to show we live forever. I trust Him to show me a way to meet my debts or go bankrupt honorably. The honor counts in His love that is truth. He will show me how to make it right somehow.
I don't feel punished that I have nothing but love here to call mine. That and the time I have to live and love the way I am now are all I own. I give them to Him, too. I don't know why I smile today, I see the mess around me the world is in and can only say I believe He will overcome the things of the world in His time and His plan.
I see the hurt of betrayal and lies, greed and selfishness are taking their toll on hearts and know He has the power in His hands to heal it all.
May His will be done and His kingdom come, soon. In the mean time I keep trying to live more like Him and know I can not do that. I am only me. I am glad He lives! I know He loves you all. I know that He loves me.
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