I am still alive

What is my responsibility and what is the Creators? That is one of the questions I worked through between the second and the fourth days of the new year.

He gave me the answer before I asked the question. Tuesday morning I was given I John 5:4 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world.... by Strong's concordance overcome is prevail, subdue or get the victory. To me it means it becomes reality here inspite of anything we or the world think we can do to change it. It can not be changed if it is of God's will. Nothing has the power to modify it.

If it is of God nothing can stop any thing from happening. If it is of God nothing can defeat it. I met a man who tried to kill himself five times after his wife died and he finished his story by saying, "....but I keep getting sent back."

I have been helping a new friend out. I saw he was being called of God, in my understanding. I know it is not easy to get our attention. His was being almost forced to God as all there was left to him. I was trying to show that those of us that believe and care will be there for him, even beyond what "social rules" call right for new aquaintances.

He had three things he wanted and one was kept from him by finances. I offered to help. Your first clue is - I am a she, he is a he. The second is thatI had known him about an hour. I offered to try and cover his need.

None of us likes to feel obligated to another, especially a person we don't know well and, in my view, a man really doesn't like to let a woman lift him over the hump, they like to do that for us. Those of my age do, I think, anyway. I like it when they do that for me, too, but I learned they are just like us and sometimes need a hand up. But it was hard for him to accept help from a stranger, much less a woman. He had just been badly hurt by two others. Still, he has tried again.

Over the next two days we dickered. He has skills, I have a house full of repairable things I can't fix. He has money coming but not quickly enough to suit him. I had money now. I offered a short and small loan. He had to be places to get this done. I offered rides.

He saw no reason for me to do so much for him. We had no sparks between us, so to speak. We did like each other right away but it wasn't the partner kind of like. Why would I help him? He didn't want to be obligated but he wanted to get his life on track again. He decided to trust me not to turn it into an unwanted obligation. He saw I really wanted to help him. It really would be my pleasure.

I saw his scheduled plans, I saw how mine could help. I watched as God still kept him coming back to him. Things would get rescheduled, planned times were missed for fixing things and such that were out of our control.

The timing was not that man's, not mine, but still God's. He would get what he needed in God's time, not ours, no matter how much we wanted it differently. What is of God becomes real.

I was pondering my questions and fears of the future, or lack of it, as I saw it coming, on the fourth. I took the day off work because now the pain was bad in my chest just to get a cup of coffee from the counter to the table.

I called to talk that morning and see how this new friend was doing. That day he needed a ride for official paperwork. His other ride didn't see how important it was to him and had put it back to match their timing. I offered to take him and he accepted.

I thought I wasn't going to make it there. I got a pain when I sat in the truck. Then it passed and was totally gone. I went. It got his first goal accomplished. I loved seeing him smiling for a while. Even when he got it things conspired to keep him from using it yet. I saw there was a reason for it I could not understand.

As we had coffee afterward I realized I was in distress again. I was also sitting with the only friend I know that was carrying nitroglycerin pills. It was time for my decision.

I knew I had been sent back. I knew I was supposed to be here then. With no insurance it would take everything I had to do it now even if I lived. I might not.

I was looking at destitute again. I have been there before. My children would have no inheritance, I would have no home of my own.

My mate was on the other side, I liked that thought a lot. My dad, my brother and more of my family I loved were there, too. Jesus is at the gate for me, waiting. I will love being with Him again. I am not afraid to go back to God.

But there are those who I feel need me in their lives right now. This man I had only known a week was one of them. To show my faith I have to live what I believe. I had been doing that in little ways, I didn't know if I could do it in this big one. All I had? to live? Why not just let go and head for home?

Then the answer hit me. For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world. What is of God prevails. If he wanted me here then here I would be in whatever circumstances come.

My only choice was how long I would deny what I could see He wanted from me. I had to chose to walk here in whatever way he wants, not mine. I had to really want what He wants for me. I could die with the nice pain medication in my system if that is what He planned. No hurt to me then. Or I could live. That really isn't up to me, that is up to Him.

What is my part in this if I am walking in His will? To show him my desires and needs so that He can meet them for me even though I see no way for them to become reality. I have to want something enough to pray for it. I have to love something and my people enough to care and bring them to him. I have to care, I have to love. I do.

His will in my life is that His power and Love show, not my love and power, His. Then, through me His love is shown to others, I think.

They can see He works in my life, they wonder if He can work in theirs and begin to see the miracles in our every day of life as He begins to be real to them. I am his demo human if I walk for Him. I like that.

Now I was going to need a miracle. Either he had to bring me through this to live and find a way to pay for it or comfort my family for me. That would take some doing, either way.

I saw He would get me to the hospital one way or the other. If I left where I was sitting I might crash the truck or hurt someone. I would end up in the hospital with more damage to me.

If I stayed where I sat and said nothing eventually I would keel over and they would call 911. It was going to hurt me. I don't like pain. I really don't like physical pain. I could see it would only get worse.

But there was relief for the pain available, if I would ask. My new friend had what I needed. Did I desire His will enough in my life to leave it all to Him? Did I want to live? Did I want to live, even broke and perhaps dependent on others for a place to be and food?

Well, NO! I like being independent. I love my family and my friends, though and I trust God to work it out for me. He does know what I need and what I only think is important. I know he loves me and wants only what is right for me in His loving plan.

I asked my friend for a pill and he looked at me funny but gave it. Then I asked for a ride to the hospital because I didn't think I could drive in. He was only a one week friend but he took me and stayed until my family could get there. He was considerate and caring and I would not have been able to show him better that there is a purpose, still, in his life. He had just saved mine, in a fashion. It was knowing him that got me the pill I needed to make it to treatment.

So I thank Jesus for the friend I thought I was helping but that I needed to survive. I think we will be friends a long time.

God and I have problems sometimes. I get human on him. They wouldn't send me in for the operation I knew I was going to need, they just wanted to "observe". I had taken the nitro and had nothing to show if I laid still and didn't move. I wasn't going to waste their time and the money I don't have. I signed myself out of ER after four or five hours. I got my next pain when I put on my shoes to leave. They couldn't see it on the moniter, no one would listen to my heart then, I was leaving. Idjits!

I got my own prescription for nitro and sis drove me home. I had a friend coming over to stay with me and sis was coming back. She no more than left than it all ripped lose again. Three nitro later I called 911. I knew the local ER's. They were fast.

I remembered later that someone had snow blowed my driveway the day before. I did not know who it was. Turns out it was my husband's ex wife's current husband. I would not have ever guessed it was them. It was not exactly a socially acceptable favor for him to do and she had said he could when he told her it looked bad here. She and I are friends but that is just a little strange, don't you think? They had never done that before.

You tell me why the ambulances didn't get stuck in my drive. I have not shoveled more than a path all year, I just drive through it. There was about eight to ten inches from wind in my drive the day it was plowed out. I can't explain it. You do it.

This time I got sent right on to the next hospital in the Big City. I just left it all with God. He would put me where He wanted me but I had done my part. I tried to get what I thought I needed to stay here. Here, or there with Him, I was good either way. As He leads I follow.

I am still here today. I am where he wants me to be. What is of God overcomes the world as we can see it and becomes real to us, I believe, even when you can't believe it.

I was told I was 99.9% blocked in what they call "the widow maker" or the death artery. They can't believe I had symtoms for only three days. I should not have been able to do anything without pain for weeks.

You tell me why that is. I can think it was a sudden blockage of something that broke loose. They say it was a build up. But I should have hurt or been slowed down for a long time according to the doctor's beliefs. I was not. Just Tueday all that saw me would have thought I was fine and dandy, I know, I asked. I thought maybe I didn't notice I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt - NOT! I was fine until the night of the second of January. That was the first pain I had.

Whatever the truth of how it happened I live now and they helped me get here. I am good to keep loving here. I am good with God. Thank you for that! Amen.

Again there will be changes I can't see yet because of this event. They are already calling for payment arrangements and appointments I don't want to go to. I am too tired to think about all that yet so I pray God will handle it and try to rest.

But my new friend has been over and I got to see all the family and most of my friends this week, or at least talk to them. There is love here for us together and we have the joy of it.

The one I wish to make peace with I may still have a chance to see. I would dearly love that things were right between us here even if we were not friends I would like to know what was wrong between us. I did not mean to do them a wrong, it seems I must have somehow. Down here that is what not speaking is supposed to mean. I choose to believe it just means they don't know yet what to say and pray they will be given the desire to heal the breech as I have.

I think my only real choice was - How bad did I want this to hurt? I could go where I was lead or I could wait to be dragged. What is of God's plan becomes reality here no matter how strange the rules of this world make it.

So love enough to pray and love the One that not only creates life but can give us His grace to make it a joy to live it again.

That is my only obligation here, not to pay the mortgage, not to meet my bills, I know He can do that for me. Who I owe it all to is the one who healed my heart and brought joy back to my days.

I can not repay Jesus so I show my thanks to Him by caring for those He loves. They are not obligated to me in anyway by the rules of this society. I am making payments of love to the One I can't repay. I invest in futures, not for me or for my benefit, but for His. He covers me in all ways. I do unto others as He brings them to me, in my love for Him.

That is so hard to share here where everything is measured. He gave all He had so I can live. I will give all I have to show I believe He cares for me. It's all I can do - keep saying and showing I believe He lives and I believe we don't die.

I know that I will get back there one day, glad to be there. I see it's not my time yet. I might mutter a quiet, "darn it" but I am smiling as I write this. I am still here in a body with a smile on it's face. There are hugs left in my arms yet. I share them where they are needed.

I am only here of His will today but I am glad to love with all of you while I am here. May your hearts and spirits be healed and your joy returned to you. May you gently learn that each love in your life a gift.

If you trust God the world can't hurt you - not one of them. I don't have to trust others not to hurt me. I trust God to keep me safe and functioning as He needs me to do each day. What is of God takes the victory over the rules of the world. No matter how you see it, He can show you how it really is is Him, if you let Him.

I don't worry about pay backs from the ones I help, He covers them. I keep seeing that, in my view, I am where I am supposed to be and doing what I feel lead to do because He knows I love doing it.

I love helping people and I love cheering them up. I love thinking I have helped someone who stands in a hard place get back to the top of things. I love writing and sharing it. I love singing and playing my guitar. I love feeling happy. I love showing my friends and family that they are important to me and loved, too.

I love being loved.