I live because I am loved

I want to tell you I only lived through the last two weekends to write the post below, and this one, because I have a friend that can, in some mysterious way, always lift my spirit. I have learned a few things that I think are important enough to share.


I wanted to quit smoking by Christmas as a gift to myself. It would have been a gift, too, for those in my family and my friends that don't smoke, at least that is what I thought.


It was not to be more socially acceptable, that doesn't even appeal to me, but to be more able to spend time with those I love with less stress on myself did. I hate having to miss something because I needed to have a smoke.


I tried the new medication that is supposed to help you stop smoking. My body was told it was getting no "feel good feeling" (first note) when it had a cigarette. The medication blocks those receptors in your brain. Unfortunately it got no "feel good feeling" from anything else I did, either.


I got depressed seriously on day four, the first day you take a second dose, upping the level of medication in your body. I didn't realize it was the medication.


I have had bad days on and off since the mate died and accepted them as grief. I have bad days that have nothing to do with the mate dying. I accept them as normal to life. We all have a bad day now and then.


This was really bad though and I called a friend for help with it. It was given. Our conversation made me feel better. (make a note of this)


I made it through the first weekend. I was busy with things going wrong during the week and thought that was why I wasn't pulling all the way out of the funk. Things were going wrong and it was almost Christmas, a funk is normal, then. That is what I told myself.


Only Saturday, the 15th, I was cleaning house and getting things in order. This is not me. I clean or I put things in order. I do them as rarely as possible because I like to have better things to do than clean or do books. I realized I was doing both and then I knew it was because I would be killing myself that night. That is not like me, either.


I have dealt with depression in my life. I have suceeded at suicide once. I will not be doing that again. Not because I believe it is a sin but because I was sent back and believe there is a reason I need to be here that goes beyond my ability to understand. Bad or good, my life and my self are needed here. I made it through losing the mate, I wasn't going to punk out for a black funk of depression I could see no reason for. But I knew right then I wouldn't see dawn.


I needed help. I called my friend again. I claimed another hard day. You don't really want to say the truth when what you feel is so bad you are ashamed of feeling it.


That blessed friend gave me no lecture, no faulting me for needing the same help again. They didn't say "Blow your head off then, I'm tired of dealing with this." They told me that when they feel their thoughts scattering and picking up bleak feelings that they focus on the good things they know, on a healing light from above.


Because those words showed me what I needed to do to get through one more day I could tell them how bad it had been for me - until their kind and caring words had lifted my spirit. (also note this.) Then I confessed why I had called.

They let me talk it out and then we ended our conversation. I made it through another night and researched it on the web the next day. I found it was not me - it was the medication - that was causing my problem.

I can't tell you where the joint is where my body and spirit are joined. I can tell you this - I know they both exist. There is a part of each of us that we can not see. It is real. It is part of "me".


My body was physically incapable of "feeling good". No matter what I did for it the brain said it was NOT feeling it and it was miserable enough to seek an end to it's existance. I know, I was there. Saying it was "not me" that wanted to die was true, it was my body that wanted to quit.


That inability to feel good physically had affected my spirit, but not as strongly. I feel the spirit of me felt badly because the body was having such a hard time. My spirit didn't want to give up. My spirit wanted to live. My spirit sent me seeking again a friend to help it win this one. On it's own it was going to lose.

My friend's words redirected my thoughts to the Holy Spirit. They lifted my spirit up and helped strengthen it. That let me reach out to where my spirit could find help. It was too weak from fighting the body's depression all week to reach out on it's own, at least it seems like that to me. I felt better when I got off the phone. (note again)

You may disbelieve this next, for me it is a truth. After we got off the phone I felt my friend's prayer for my spirit to be healed of this darkness actually touching "me". I felt their spirit lifting mine in prayer. I lived to see the next day because of a friend who did not judge me but offered me the best they knew to give.


A reverse on this is that I have seen that friend dealing with a rough go sometimes this year and been praying for them. I hope my prayer has ever done for them what the prayer they prayed did that day. I would like to think that even once I had lifted anyone's spirit like that.


Now let's add up the notes.

My body was told it was getting no "feel good feeling" (first note)
Our conversation made me feel better. (make a note of this)
their kind and caring words had lifted my spirit. (also note this.)
I felt better when I got off the phone. (note again)

My body could not feel better. If I was sunk in a hot tub with a virial male feeding me dark chocolate with a massage to follow it would not make the body feel better. My brain could not process the information to tell the body it felt better.

"I", in at least three places, state that I felt better or my spirit was lifted. "I" felt better.

The apparent conflict in those two paragraphs is really no conflict at all if you believe your body and your spirit, while they are joined, are two different things.

Two ways to perceive the world are available to us. We mostly only believe that the ones of the body are "real" perception. No one teaches us to use the abilities of our spirits.

I learned again that spirits are real. I learned another spirit can lift mine up. I learned that prayer is the way the spirits touch the Holy Spirit or God and that they can touch each other where ever they are on the planet.

I know things through my spirit when it may be only my body you see here. I knew these things once, when I was younger, but I forgot, I guess. I am going to work at not forgetting them again.

I learned that we do not walk alone here, ever, when there is even one who cares. If we do not die then I never walk alone or unloved - in spirit. That I may feel alone is only the body's way to see it. I know that there is always more than one way to see it. I need to see more with my spirit.

May God Bless all my friends the reached out to help me this week. I live because I am loved.

I live because He lives

On my way to work today I was driving through a fog. I saw some beautiful scenes, magic fir trees, the sun on the fog lighting it unusual ways, the views were stunning.

I asked God, as I often do, to sing for me. I asked that it be in reference to something important to me. I reached for the radio and ran the volumn up just as the sun went orange-red and shot that light through the fog behind the branches of a small stand of trees on a hill.

I can't tell you the radio station, I can't tell you the exact time of day - what I am going to tell you is that the Creator lives and is with you and me still, right now today.

The music that came out of the radio was an instrumental part, I had some trouble catching the first few words and then the station came clear. I heard, "For God, love and rock and roll" jamming out of the radio.

As I sang along and cried at the same time I knew someone would say that what happened is just coincidence - you will never prove it to me.

I needed to remember the joy of loving and living is ours as a gift. I needed to remember to say thank you again for all I have been given. But most of all I needed to know that there is always one who loves us, even if He is invisible from here. That gift was given to me again this morning.

And if God lives, then Jesus lives and my mate lives and I will not die either. Neither will you.

I was talking to my mother and she said, "I didn't even expect you to stay here after your mate died, much less that you would love again."

I had to tell her, "I couldn't have lived if the mate died, Mom. I live because he lives."

Jesus gave us that gift by not being dead for forty days to show us He told us the truth.

God loves us - we do not die. Why do those that say they believe in Him still think that we will?

Grief of separation is real. It hurts. It is a pain that can be gotten over if we believe we will catch up with them later. It is only for a little while and we will be with all those we love in a way we couldn't be here.

Thinking you will never see one you love ever again or that you go alone into that mystery that is death of the body is a terrible way to feel, at least, to me. I wish I could lift that fear and hurt from any one that thinks it is a truth.

I can't see anyway to change anyone's mind or heart about it except to live what I believe. To show people there is joy and love in life to be grown and nourished still as a treasure for those coming behind me.

To show the kids that to live is to love and to be glad for all the love in our lives I can't just say words. I have to stay here to show that is what I believe. I love them, until He calls me home, I'm staying here to love with them as long as I am allowed.

I live. I seek to give and recieve love. I have fun and joy in my days. Some will think I must be nuts or that I didn't love my partner the way they thought I did. They are wrong.

I just don't believe that loving stops because the one you loved with is not here in our way of seeing "here". I believe all that love me are alive and love me still. They know that I will be there with them, later.

I believe you do not die. I believe you change. I believe you will find this truth yourself when it is your time to pass through the veil of life here to life there.

I believe love is the purpose of life. Living it lovingly and joyfully and helping others do the same is working with the living God of Love. I say, "may your kingdom come," and add "soon" as I see the sad, hurt world around me.

I do what I can to be more loving and caring, as He leads me. He will take care of the rest of it His way. I don't know the plan but I know I will be around to see the end of the story. I believe you can all see it with me.

Heart aches from caring

He sees the truth of you. The truth is that you care and you love. You care enough to do things for others no one else sees any reason to attempt. To you they are important enough to give your time here to them.

Helping those that feel they are not worth your time is the truth of you. By showing others they are worth your time and care you are showing them they are loved. Caring enough to try to ease their hurts may seem to drive you.

It is what drives Jesus. He cares for each of us as if we were His only and best friend.

You are His in a way that no one can be unless they have yearned to help someone only to have their help rejected.

You learn that you can have the cure, the fix, the money and know it. You have just what they need at hand. But you can only offer. You can offer over and over again - but they have to accept it.

Until you are rejected that way you can not know how He aches to bring each of us peace and healing. How it hurts Him to see us go on our way in pain when He can heal it - if we let Him. If we would only accept it from Him.

Only those that have had their help rejected can understand even a little of how He aches for each one He loves here.

You are precious to Him as your caring, loving self. That is what He wants one like you for. He knows you are that self - still, now, already, have always been - loving, caring, joyful and alive.

The anger and shame and hurt you bear here is only what you see and experience without Him to be the transforming crystal of your view. He can change it, your whole life can be right in His love.

Let Him show you the self you are through the eyes of His love. He can show you. Can you accept His view of you?

Ask Him to help you see your true self.

Will you remember yourself as a loving, caring, smiling, joyful child with no idea of wrong or evil? Will you remember what you were created to be? I believe, in His eyes, that is how He has and will always see you; Perfectly made in His image.

He cared enough to ask God to change His plans for us. Change illness to a life of health; Change death to more time to live here and then to remove death completely, to give us life forever.

Then He came back to show us we would always live.

I think He never wanted to be parted from those that he loved, either.

You are one of them.

New ideas

I was thinking about people not believing someone when they hear something that is a little out of the ordinary. They seem to just disbelieve by habit, for no good reason or with no real thought given to their position.

A woman I met told me that she and her sister hit the ice and headed for a sign at a fork in the road. She had no control over the car, she said. They both started to freak out. Next thing they knew they were right where they were supposed to be going down the road. There were two of them that experienced this. She said "I looked to see that she was okay and we both said, "I can't believe it!" They had believed they were going to crash and die.

They really had to believe because they had not crashed, they never even got hurt. Try as she could, the woman said, there was no sequence of memory from the sign being right there and then the clear road being in front of them. Her next thought was "Nobody is going to believe this." That was probably true. But why?

It's not always the contrary or negative in people when they don't believe what they hear. I see it as the way most people think. If there is nothing in their past experience to refer to they flip right to disbelief.

They have no personal knowledge of what you have shared. They never heard it before from anyone else. "I never heard of that" then seems to equal "that can't be true".

They skip research or askng for more details. It doesn't matter who is saying it to them. Trust doesn't come into it. They may trust you but if they decide you have wrong information - and it must be if they never heard of it - they plain just can't believe it.

It was totally new to them. Depending on their age and mind set, they may have trouble dealing with a new idea or thought. They want it all to fit in where their life has showed them it goes.

If they have to trust another person or their past experience what are they going to trust? That's right, they trust their own judgement.

It's all they can do in a world that keeps telling them to trust others will hurt them. They judge they can't believe it rather than explore it more.

It's not wrong to do that, it just makes it hard to share a new experience or idea with someone when they react like that.

Luke 5
37 And no man putteth new wine into old bottles; else the new wine will burst the bottles, and be spilled, and the bottles shall perish.

38 But new wine must be put into new bottles; and both are preserved.

39 No man also having drunk old wine straightway desireth new: for he saith, The old is better.

The new idea of Christ - that the love and grace of God was ours again if we only believed in His son - was hard for those who had lived so long under the law given to Moses. Some of them just couldn't believe it. Some of them didn't want to.

They were used to the law and it's ways and they didn't want to change; Especially those who made a living from it.

Those who felt the power of God's grace in their lives tried to share it with all they met. Some could accept the new idea and some couldn't. They kept trying to share it. It was real to them.

Matthew 13:33 - Another parable spake he unto them; The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened.

Leaven is yeast or sour dough starter. You take a little bit and add it to what seems like a lot of flour and other things for bread. That little bit will make the whole thing rise up and out of the bowl if you don't use a large enough one.

The few people Jesus started with, in one little town, with the stories of his family and the belief of his cousin John, has grown to be what we know as Christianity all over the world. I think they were the "little leaven" and the "new wine". It grew, like a little yeast and now it has aged, like a fine wine, which gives it more credibility, not less, at least to my mind.

He said if you don't believe what I say then believe what you have seen me do. We have not seen the healing, the walking on water and the mysterious escapes written about. Or have we?

Almost every person I talk to has a story that they don't even know if they should believe. It's too far outside "real life" and most are shy of sharing it with others. Like me, they don't want to be seen as crazy or get laughed at. But we believe it and keep it to ourselves. To share a new experience or idea with others seems like a risk.

To share a new way of seeing God - what kind of risk was that? To say the law was repealed and we could be forgiven by just believing in Jesus was a hard new belief to share. It cost Jesus his life here as a person in a body, pain and shame and death. What does that show us of how much he loves us?

Sickness was lifted from just people, not kings, not rich men alone, but from those who came to him and asked, he cured, asking only for their love and trust in Him. He showed the power behind His belief to them so they could see it was real and then they could believe.

He healed things we still can't heal today. Limbs were made whole, the dead were brought back to life, whole and well again. Why? Was God wrong to let them die? Does God make mistakes? Why would He change His mind or His actions?

Was it only because it hurt Jesus' so much to see the pain in each heart? Is that why He could heal? His heart hurt for us in love and God didn't like the pain it caused in one He loved?

Those that were healed or raised from the dead by Jesus still went on to die later, in the way of humans. Did the fact that they were healed by Jesus really change anything down here?

Yes. They saw it could be done. They saw the love of God change their bodies and their lives. They told others about it. It was reported by more than one person. It was seen by hundreds. It was written down for us. The story of the one who loves all of us and lives to care today still touches hearts in mysterious ways. I think it was the yeast of the truth that God loves us.

Is that why we care for each other in love? Because we are made in His image? Our pain at another's pain shows it to God as our love for them. I think He helps them so that His power of love shows. They see we believe, they see what happened their way. Maybe then they come to believe in Him, too.

It also eases the pain in our hearts to see them have what they feel they need. He shows us that He cares how we feel. In His love He can lift that hurt from us. We were not built to hurt but to feel joy and love with Him.

We can not heal each other's hearts of the real pain in them. Only He can do that. You can tell them how it felt to you, you can show them the things you think were real to you but they have to reach to Him themselves.

He has to show them His reality in a way they will believe. Because we all see it differently that just amazes me. He shows He lives to all that come to Him and ask, "Help me believe."

Again, this is all in my own opinion and just one way to see it. Thanks really have to go to a friend for the good think I got from a story shared with me. This isn't what was shared but it is what I got out of it. I love my twisty mind!

Be Honest with me

I wrote about lies recently. I was talking to someone when she said, "I finally told them how it really made me feel." I got to thinking about that and about how I seem to lie sometimes by what I don't do or say.

If we go to everyone but the one that we think is hurting us and say we are hurt by them, telling others what a hurtful thing the other person did, what are we showing the third person about ourselves? What have we told them about a friend?

It wasn't a very pretty thought but I seem to do it easily. It's much easier to go to an uninvolved person and say you are upset than it is to say some things to those we love if we think it might hurt them - or hurt us to say it.

But have we hurt that friendship by not giving it all the truth as we see it? By not saying. "you have upset me", have I created a weak place between us; like thin ice under thick snow? You are not going to see it until it gives way under you. Did trying to not hurt you by not saying how I really felt create a flaw between us?

What good is done by holding a hurt inside ourselves that we feel was given to us by another? "I didn't want to hurt them", seems like a good reason to keep it to ourselves. But that hurt grows inside us and we add more as they come along. When the whole thing blows up on us we wonder what went wrong.

Was it that someone we spoke to told our friend we were upset? Were they hurt that we were afraid to tell them there was a problem? They can't bring it to us or they betray the one that told them.

My, that got complicated. But that is the way it seems it goes. One little bit of dishonesty just grows and becomes a wedge in between us. Then we end up short a good friend.

Maybe it doesn't get said to anyone. We just hold that small hurt to ourselves. It seems we always wonder then why the other person can't see we have a problem. They are supposed to notice we are upset - but NOT telling them - about it. Then we hurt more because they don't notice we hurt and that hurt grows inside us. Don't they care?

We start seeing the other as uncaring and unloving when they just can't read minds! They may not be able to see the subtle clues that say we have a problem. They may see them but because we have said nothing they think it's just work or stress from something else. They might even try to be nicer to us not knowing we are upset with them.

It's not easy to say to a friend, "that hurts me". They may not understand why it does but if you don't tell them they can't help you see all the way around the hurt to understand it.

If you are willing to see it from their side you might find out that not only did they not mean to hurt you but there isn't any problem because you see why they did or said what they did. It doesn't hurt when you understand it, at least, I don't think it hurts as much.

I learn you were disappointed in me because I left without saying good bye - because you told me - I can say I looked for you but couldn't find you, I'm sorry. Then you can remember you were in the bathroom and go -"Oh, darn, it was just timing!"

You know I didn't do it to hurt you. I couldn't tell you I cared enough to look for you if you didn't tell me it bothered you. It really was just the timing of your need to go and mine...so to speak. No harm meant on either side.

Maybe I had the thought you were avoiding me. If I didn't tell you I felt like that I might go on thinking you were upset with me for days. I was thinking you were mad about something and you were just in the bathroom at the time.

It can go either way in any situation. To keep the love between us always working for us we have to trust each other enough to be honest. We have to know that, in our love for each other, we will both try to understand how the other sees it.

You might hurt me saying something to me but I can deal with pain. At my age I have gotten kind of used to screwing up things in life.

What I can't bear is the thought I did something that would make you not be my friend. Please bring it to me so we can look at it together and see if it can be fixed. Maybe you can see it differently or maybe I can do it different next time.

But if we never tell each other of it then it just hurts the "us" of our friendship invisibly. It's one more reason I see to believe that because something is invisible does not mean it is not "real".

Of course this is only the way I see it. You may see it another way.

See me later

I love my friend. I cheered her up on a bad day. She called a friend to tell them she is feeling better and listens to their day. She makes them feel better about it by listening lovingly.

She would not have called if she was feeling badly herself. My love for her and my help in lifting her spirits let her lovingly listen and care about another. Her friend was encouraged and cheered up. She was better able to love her family because she was lifted up.

Cheered up, lifted their spirit. Loved. Connections. Who is to say how far the love you shared with one person will reach? I think Love connects us to others who love others into infinity.

I believe death, dying and dead are the wrong words for the events described. I think words of change like transmogrification, transmogrifing and transmogrified seem more correct to me. It is a process of change. You are not deleted, you are just different than what we know here.

Change can cause a fear reaction. Fear is normal when you face the unknown or strange. To think you will be "not" or that you will only be "gone" and your body food for worms makes some people afraid. As you come to know that when you shed this flesh you will be your perfect self; your perfect spirit, still aware, living and loving, you are not afraid.

We identify parts of the planet as ours, home, school, work, vacation spots are all places we went once as strangers but over time became familiar and safe. A new place always feels different than what we are used to but we are not afraid of trying to enjoy our days there. It's just new and different experiences.

That is what I believe happens when you no longer are linked to your body. You go to a new environment but still yourself. You will have new and different things to learn and do, new people to meet and love as well as the ones you already love who went before you.

From Johin 14: And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, you may be also. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. At that day you will know that I am in my Father and you in me, and I in you.

From Johin 16:22, I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man can take from you.

From the Strong's concordence all the words for you, me, I and my are just what they mean. The self that was Jesus will meet us. Each spirit and soul is part of God and each of us is on our own path back to God.

This year, each day, I will try to think of myself as a loving and perfect spirit first alive in the gift He gave me of a body second.

Lies

It seemed like I had not been able to lie for almost a year now. I couldn't even exagerate a story to make it more exciting in the telling. Now I have done it, in what may be seen as small ways, more than one time in the last week. One was to make me look industrious instead of just wasting time and yesterday I defended a past action with a lie about how it happened. I gave me an excuse to screw up and really I just screwed up, no excuse.

One was to make me look good to another and two were to keep me from a percieved embarrassment or punishment. Those are pretty common reasons to lie. I'm feeling pretty low.

I don't like lying to others or myself anymore. I didn't want to confess. That has it's own punishment in it. Someone that believed you learns they were not observant enough to see the lie you told. Sometimes I think that hurts worse than that you lose a little of your trust toward one that lied to you. You don't like thinking you were lied to by one you trust.

But the act of confessing and apologizing tells them you care enough for a right and honest relationship with them that you would not have a lie between you. That care you show by confessing starts mending the breach the lie created between you. I think so, anyway. I still didn't want to tell the ones I lied to what I did.

I struggled to see those, small lies as important enough to correct. He brought it to me in several different ways. Mostly that it is nagging at my mind and I can't let go of it. It has been eating at me. Maybe feeding off me is more like it. The bad feeling seems to grow the more I think about them. I can't seem to ignore them any more. To stop it I had to correct it the best I could.

The other thing I see is if those two instances were so hard to make right for me how hard is it for others to correct these things? We don't teach it in school. We barely teach it in church. By confessing to these others I was showing them it could be done and how I did it.

Maybe they would do better one day than I did confessing or not lying again, seeing how hard the repair of one is. That would be even better. I hope something good comes out of it. I have let the one fester for a week. There have been a variety of valid reasons but it is still bothering me. It feels like the only thing coming out of it right now is a poison of shame that I did it.

I think the main thought I found in prayer is that if I am His I want to reflect his love in all I do. I have to tell the truth no matter how it seems like it will affect me. Love is Truth, to me.

I have to give him my fears. I have to trust his love to lead me safely. I try to do things His way.

His love is truth in a way the words can't express. If I send out untruth in the world I am not reflecting His love but my fear. That is not what I want to put into my life or any other.

By telling a lie I am putting out, what I call "not love" into the world around me. I can try to mend it by confessing and apologizing but the harm is only patched not whole again unless He mends it for me when I give it to Him. I don't want to be ashamed of my behavior in front of Him again. I can see the learnings in this but I don't have to like them. I like it that He cares enough to teach me but I hope I am getting quicker so I don't have to do so many repeats.

I want to be truthful in all things here. He shows me I am still learning. I can only say what the truth is as I see it and try to remember I can't see very far at all. It's a misty and limited view.

The nephew and I went over this not long ago. I hit a deer with my truck. The fenders and hood have been replaced but not painted. It was parked back end toward us.

That nephew and I would have said it was white, but the one coming in from hunting would have seen just the front coming in and wondered who was there until he got up beside it.

He saw two colors on it then and said so when asked twice. It had always been "Aunt's white truck" so the first time he said "I see a white truck is here." I said, what color? He answered, "White and brown." That was the truth he saw when he came around the corner.

Someone under five feet tall standing directly in front of my truck is going to see it as brown. They will swear to it. It is the truth for them. Another person, five and a half feet tall, standing a few feet behind my truck is going to swear it is white. It is the truth for them.

If I happen to be there for this I can clear it up because I know all of my truck, from the dings to the hitch in the hood latch. I can tell them they are both partly right and partly wrong.

If they just stand there and debate it nothing is going to stop the conflict. They are both telling the truth as they see it. Neither one will back down on what they know is their truth.

For the debate to end one of them only has to move a few feet left or right to see all of the truck and "discover" the truth. One might say, "come over here and look", but that only works if the other is willing to move. There has to be a change in perspective for at least one of them for them both to see the truth.

Nothing changes until something moves. Either one of them has to move, I have to come join them and tell them what I know or the truck has to move.

The truth is there was nothing to debate. They were both right and they were both wrong. It is a two color truck. Where they stood they couldn't see all of it. The way they were built didn't let them see all of it.

They were not stupid, stubborn or insane, as they might have called each other. They just believed that what they saw of the truck was the same all the way around it. It's a pretty common mistake. We call it making an assumption and use it to jump to conclusions.

That is what I see as a problem in saying what is truth for me and holding to it so hard that I won't listen to another person's perspective. If I try to understand how they see it then I am trying to change my perspective. I may learn more of the whole truth if I am just willing to move what I believe to one side and try and see it from where they are standing.

If I just say "this is the truth I see so it must be true for everyone" I am forgetting I am too small to see all of what I am looking at. I forget I am not standing where they are. I forget I am not built like they are. They may see more than me.

By not being willing to consider others may be right, too, we lock ourselves up from finding there is more to the truth we saw than we could see alone. I only have one way to see things unless I look at it with others who are different from me.

Our two parts of a truth might just be small parts of a larger truth and by sharing them with open minds we find there is more than one way to see it.

But I know if I have told a lie when I know the truth I will have the truth trying to get out of me and I don't like trying to hold it inside. I may protect myself from punishment or someone thinking poorly of me but I will hurt myself by it.

I would rather be thumped and get it over with than have it nibble at all of my days. How can I say any truth with a lie standing there in my way?

One more to go and then I can feel right inside again. I should be able to fix it tonight. I got the cell phone fixed and that was the only way to get ahold of my friend. I didn't want them think I was just sitting here wasting time. It was such a pointless lie. I was shamed when I said it. Now I have to try and fix it.

I just realized I used to feel like this as a child when I told a lie. It may be Him letting me "off the leash" to see how I walk alone. Thanks to Him for the thought that my spirit is tender again, not the hard and dark thing it was not long ago that lied without even thinking first to those I judged unimportant to my life. I was honest, but only with those I loved.

I don't know that I can walk without being dishonest all the time here. It's a challenge to even think about it. I'm thinking. I'm praying.

What is your view? Click on "comments" below and you can tell me. Don't use real names on the net please. Leave a nick name in your post for me. I will figure it out.

I love my truck

Friday I was just a few blocks from work and was congratulating myself on being a good driver in the snow. All the big hills and bridges were behind me. I hadn't missed a stop or a corner. I had the easy part of the drive left.

I was on a straight, flat stretch, when I started feeling sassy. I don't really know what I hit, a bump in the road or a slick spot; away I went! I knew I had too light a back end, I hadn't loaded up for winter yet crossed my mind. I went a over t, and backwards, then slide side ways across the road.

I put in the clutch and let her slide until I hit grass then touched the wheel and the brake to send her off the road before we got to the telephone pole. I landed wrong way around in the corn field but I was feeling back under control, still right side up, and the truck and I were both ok.

I tried to rock her a little thinking I could drive back up the slope. Nope. I quit. I sat there and laughed out loud at myself and was glad I had landed so well.

Then I saw another truck hit the same spot and start sliding right at me. I stopped finding it amusing. At least I knew it was the road and not my driving. I held my breath until he got his big truck straightened out and didn't come down to join me. He made it.

I had the cell. I was ok, just stuck. No one was at the shop that could tow me out so I set up a ride. I tried rocking her again and got going a little but the corn was too slick for much traction and the ground was just wet, not really frozen.

Then it seemed I was getting up a little speed so I aimed up the bank. It was just too slick with no weight. There I sat.

A nice boy who had been out hunting turned around and broke out the tow strap. As we were getting ready to try it my friend from the shop showed up and stopped traffic for us. The hunter in his big truck eased me right up the hill. I thanked him and wished him hunting luck. We shook hands good bye and I went on to work. He went back the way he came.

Life is like that sometimes. Cruising along, feeling good and then the surprise - whack! You just get that thing under control and another one comes right at you. Someone sees your plight and cares enough to turn around and come back to give a hand. We get by taking care of each other.

I thought of all the friends I could have called if I was in a spot near them and I felt blessed again that I have them. The family is on that list, too. That a stranger took the time to help is just the way it worked out. That made me glad that there are still caring people in the world.

Now or Forever?

I got a thought from a line in a book and have been running wild on it.

If we don't die, just shed the body; and, as I believe, there is no time there; then is what we experience not what we call "death" but just a mass and perception change?

Then we see us as we really are in the light of His power of loving truth. We see Love for the Power that it is, the power of life, and that there is a Loving Creator when we are changed to perceive it.

IF we know this then what part of us is most important to develop and protect? (yup, not the body, not the mind - only the loving spirit).

What matter then if we have a flawed body or a bad physical habit? If we can learn to see each one as a loving spirit in eternity with us those things really shouldn't matter. What matters is we get stuck thinking this is all there is and these bodies all the life we will ever experience.

We carry the things of this life in our spirits and they hurt us. A heroin addict is not an less of a loving spirit - it is a body with a spirit that hurts. We try to ease the pain by numbing or stimulating the body and it is love we all need - for ourselves, for and from others - as we walk down here. We can't see how to do it, they don't teach it in school.

If we live eternally and it is a truth - aren't we in eternity now? But in this body we can't percieve it. There is a time and mass differential we are not equiped to experience from this place.

But if this is a part of eternity our loved ones really are with us. We are all in the same time, we just can't see it. We have to believe it. Like crystals show the truth of sunlight, that it contains the whole spectrum of colors, but the sun light looks yellow or white to us. Unless we look at it through a crystal we can't see the rainbow - our eyes aren't built to see it that way here. We needed an tool, an adapter, a transformer to see the truth in the light.

Was Jesus, like a crystal, the one to show us the truth in the living love of a creator? The time change and the mass change were in His power to show us that they don't affect what we are?

If this is a part of my eternity I want it to be something I can enjoy thinking of for a long time. It changes the way you do things when you see it may be with you not just now, but forever.

There is One to heal the hurts we have gotten from forgetting where we came from and are going, One to show us the way home and restore our joy to us so there is no fear in going - what a gift. To give his own time to come back from a perfect place to this one to show us we live.

Love is in everything

A tree outside my window shades my home from the sun. Bark, leaves, roots and sap, home to birds and squirrels, bugs and food for the same, it's leaves fall and nourish the soil then bloom again to shade my home in the summer creating a cool haven for me.

I see the wood of a tree in the boards of my home. They do not look like the tree and they are not alive to my eyes but I see the body of the tree in them, the years that it lived and grew and was nourished by the sun and the rain and the soil.

I see the men who cut the tree and shaped the wood and built a barn. I see the care that they took to plane the boards and smooth the edges.

I see the barn, new and strong, sheltering animals and grain and tools from the rain and the sun that used to nourish the tree. I feel the years of the barn as it falls into disrepair and neglect. The men who built it passed on and then another man or woman - seeing the beauty and strength still in the boards - taking apart the barn, so lovingly built but now fallen, and cutting the boards to grace the walls of their home.

It is all of love and from the creator.

In a vase of clay with glazes of minerals I see the hands that cleaned and shaped the clay, ground and applied the glaze, fired the results and put it out into the world where I found it. I had it and loved it for years, not knowing that the love in that vase would speak to me of the Creator's love for me one day.

The curtains on my window are of fibers grown in the sun and the rain, collected, processed and woven by other hands, dyed with the colors of nature, sewed to earn a living for a family by hands I have never seen They are from my creator to me with love.

The glass on top of my table from the sand created by unknown years of rocks and the oceans was heated and shaped by humans I never knew. It speaks to me of his love for me and of the oceans shore.

The mirror with the silver back reflects my mother’s love as it was a gift to me from her and shows me the beauty of creation and the love in each thing around me.

The brass in the candlesticks that came out of the earth and was refined and shaped by humans to be bells on one end and light my way on the other. A joyful noise and a light unto my feet from him to me, thank you.

There is nothing in my life that was not first created and given to all of us by the love the Creator has for us. In our love of creating we continue to express his love for ourselves and each other.

One loves to work with wood, another with clay, another with weaving, but they do what they love and put their love into each piece. Even in a sweat shop the person sewing is doing the work for love of themselves or their families.

It was all put here for us to use. It all carries the love of the creator for us. The geodes, "ugly" rocks on the outside but filled with crystal beauty, remind me we are not as we appear to be. - we are so much more than what we appear to be here.

The beans in the coffee, grown and ripened in the sun and the rain he sends, picked by other hands, packaged, cleaned, ground and sent to me to enjoy from half a world away are a gift of his love.

The food we consume so carelessly was nourished and grown for our bodies benefit, sometimes oceans away, cared for and picked, packaged and transported by others we never see.

The animals we killed to eat are loving spirits now, the plants we eat are loving spirits now. The tree that holds the plate of clay and the glass of sand and the tools of metal are all from him and provided by his loving creation of all that we need.

I see all that is around me was created by Him for us before we ever thought to bind the first stick to the first rock and now we have people living in space. All done with what was here before we even knew it was useful to us. What use is mud or ground up rock? Yet I have a beautiful vase. So I tried to write a prayer for the meal I was sitting to eat alone that said all these things.

Creator,
This time together with You and those we love is such a blessing to us, thank you.
Please bless this meal with your presence now.
Thank you for this place you have given us to enjoy it in.

On all those that provided this food with their labor and love, we ask your blessings.
Please bless the hands that prepared it for us and those that will clean up.
May it bring health to our bodies so we have the strength to do as you wish today.

Please bless all those in need of food and shelter today with your bounty.
Thank you for loving us so much and providing for our needs.
For all that you have given us we are grateful to You.
Amen.

Windy thoughts

God is the wind
God is the branch
shaking in the wind

God is the bird
sheltering behind the branch
shaking in the wind

God is watching the bird
on the branch in the wind
through my eyes.

I am the soul
sheltered by His spirit
alive in the body given me.

His love is the light
shining through the wind
reflecting to my eyes all I see.

All I see is good. All he sees is good.
All he touches is good
He touches all.

I can not see, beneath the snow
and the frozen ground,
with brown grass below

into the dark of the earth
where the bulb
with green arms reaches up to me.

I wait for spring
the time of bulbs touching
the light again.

He sees it all and all is good
I know his love
and mine are one.

2/22/07

He showed me

The love that he gives me flows through me to those I meet.
Golden, always moving, round and sweet,
warm with peace and joy in my self and His self as we meet.

Be just what you are,
that is your truth,
your witness and your freedom.

I am that I am, he cried.
I am that I am, we echo back.
Are we many or only one talking to ourself?

Does it matter?
No.
I am. I was. I will be.

He Is.

I can not die,
I can only leave behind
my body as I go on to live

as my true self.
My spirit.
My perfect, loving spirit

Full of joy,
contentment divine
wonderment, magic and music.

It's not that we don't honor
the sacrifice of Jesus,
it's that we miss the message.

And I give unto them eternal life;
and they shall never perish,
neither shall any pluck them out of my hand.

We live forever.
Then He came back
to show us.

From 2/19/07 just tidied up a little.

Love the Power

Generators. They create power we call electricity to cause a filiment to give off light. One generator will run more than one light. A big generator will run more lights than a small one. They use fuel to create this power.

Our spirits are like generators. They create this power I know no other word for but Love. It can light the way for other less aware spirits and show them how to receive and give Love. One spirit can power more than one love as one generator can run more than one light.

The main generator powers us all. The main generator is ours to use at any time we need it. The fuel that creates this power is LOVE.

When you have only one generator you have to choose carefully what to hook into it. If you hook up too many things none of them will get enough power. I think this is the limit of human physical love.

We can only send out so much love without feeling the need to get some Love back into it's own system to power it. It is why humans search for a way to recieve and give love to each other in a physical way. Without the love of the spirit in each of them it's the only way they know to create love for themselves.

Divine Love, the Love of God, has no limit. When your spirit is powered by God's love you have an endless supply to share. Physical love is so enhanced by Spiritual love that it becomes a way to generate more love, not just a way to seek physical release.

The Spiritual Love, the love our spirits have and give and show for each other, has no limit because our spirits draw power from the endless supply of the Divine Love God gives us. When we love with our perfect spirit, given to us to use from God, our love has no limits. We can use our spiritual love to power many other spirits as they seek the light of Love and seek to connect to the Divine Love of God.

Each spirit here is on the path back to the God that created it. The power to create the light to see the correct path is LOVE.

When you hook two small generators together they can power more things. Refridgerators, furnaces, and lights will all run from several small generators hooked together or in parallel to each other. This means they are creating the same kind of power and sending it to the same places together.

When two spirits join to create love more light shines on the path they travel and lights the path for others. By gathering together and dedicating the love you are creating at that gathering to the Divine Love to use as it chooses you are creating more love, giving more love for others to draw on when they have need of it and learning more of the Divine Love.

God Loves your perfect spirit. God loves you as you are right now this minute. God's Divine Love needed you to be just the way you are doing what you are doing for a purpose you many never know. If you are generating true love from your spirit you are doing what you were put here to do. Those with a need for love will be drawn to you. Those with love to share will be drawn to you. He guides us all.

When you reach out to the Divine Love in truth and dedicate yourself to giving it away everywhere it is needed then you are becoming aware of what God does for you. God loves you with every bit of His spirit. It is a love that wants only the best for your spirit.

To bring each soul to the place it reaches for a direct connection to the Divine Love of God is the path formed exactly for each of us. Some paths may seem happy and gay and others overly dark and dreary. It is not up to us what path others must walk to reach the Divine Love. What is up to us is the love we shine on their path to help them see the way they are going.

The Divine Love gathers up each of us as a treasure precious beyond explaination. It holds us dear and worth even its very self being sacrificed to show us that path is worthy of every pain and every hurt that it took for us to reach for the peace of the Divine Love it offers us.

In the dark and lonly hours of waiting alone as another suffers, in the pain of heart break and in the loss of a love dear to us lies our path to God. These are the times our spirit will finally see that we alone here on earth can do nothing for anyone we love. What we can do is call on the Divine Power of Love FOR them in their time of need, that they may find the path back to the peace that is theirs if only they will reach for it.

This is when we reach for each other, for those who love us here, for comfort, for support, for just being with us because they love us. It is more than just the words "support network". It is the Love that we have to draw on when we need it.

That is why a child cries when it has a need. Humans have such limited spirits normally that they do not know when someone hurts unless they say so. A child cries for someone to help it past the hurt or out of the hurt. Another comes when it crys out to see what is wrong and fix it. If there is no cry, no need is seen and the hurt continues.

It's why we have to say to another, "This hurts me." To seek help from those who love us we have to tell them we have a need.

We are drawn to seek the Divine Love when we have such a hurt of spirit that no other love can help us. We reach for the power of the Divine Love, even those who don't believe, when we hit such a dark spot that we know that is all there is that can help us, God.

Love the Divine Love with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your spirit. Let the power of that love reach through you to light the way for others by showing them the love in you. Love your neighbor as yourself. Love yourself. You are part of, created by and powered by the Divine Love's spirit. It truely is within you.

The image of God we are created perfectly in is our spirit. Each of us has a perfect spirit. Every single living thing is part of the spirit of Divine Love.

This is what we are here to do. Love one another. Just that. Love spiritually, love physically, love emotionally, love by giving and filling needs, love by holding and touching and love by praying and blessing. Love in anyway you can share it. It is the power we have been given. We only need to use it. To fuel it we have to be hooked in to the main generator.

It's hard to do this from a physical perspective. You have to do it with your spirit. Remember you are a spirit in a physical body. The body is not you anymore than the pot of dirt is the flower. The dirt feeds and nourishes the flower. The pot is not the flower. The pot only defines the the shape of the dirt that holds the flower. The flower is not the pot. The flower is not the dirt. They are all different things working together to create and support a life energy; the life in the flower.

Your life as you have lived it and your body as it is are only supporting your spirit, the love that is life in you.

The smile you feel when you see beauty in plant or a kitten is an uplifting of spirit when you see something and recognize it is perfectly itself. It is not a zinnia trying to be a lily, it is just a zinnia. It is not a kitten trying to be a horse, it is just a kitten. They are what they are and strive for nothing else.

The red zinnia doesn't try to be a yellow zinnia and the black iris does not envy a violet. They are what they are and it is beauty. They lift our spirit with their spirit of perfectly being their perfect selves.

The seed they came from is created and powered by the same love that is growing us. While each of us is unique, when we are perfectly ourselves, loving each life we come in contact with, we have the effect of uplifting those around us as they see the peace of spirit that comes from loving ourselves just the way we are.

We are then beautiful regardless of the pot we are in or the dirt we have been nourished by or the water that fed us. We have to learn not to be afraid to be the truth of ourselves.

The truth may not be socially acceptable, the truth may not be easy to share, the truth may be that we feel flawed and that we don't belong in the garden. When you share your truth you may find that there is another way to look at it from one who cares. Until you see the truth of you in the eyes of the Divine Love you can't see all of it here. We are not made to see it.

That is what Love does for us. It shows us each as unique and perfect for what we were created to do here.

Again, I don't love the you I see, I love the you I know. That is the neatest thought I got this week and I have had a lot of engaging thoughts to contemplate.

At least I believe that, it's just one way to see it. First written 12/29/06. Modified today a little.

Love Shines

I was putting some pennies into the jar I save them in and in even the dim light of a gray winter day one of them flashed copper bright in my hand. It occurred to me that to see something flash or shine the light has to connect with it in a certain way. With solid objects we only see the surface being lit but the material may warm all the way through in the light. We can not see the heat at such a low level, it is there, none the less.

The results of light shining through my crystals in the windows shows on a wall far from them as a piece of rainbow colors. When the light goes through my drinking glass it creates a reflection of the glass on my table top.

If the light is hitting you in the right way, you shine and are warmed by it. If the light of God's Love is flowing through you the results may be far away but will still be visible somewhere. If you were as clear as glass the light would show you yourself. Even a black or dark vessel will shine and be reflected in the light.

Crystals, like humans, are grown with many facets. The light that shines through them is best when they are face on to the light and all of their facets let the light through. Standing sideways to God's light or only letting part of ourselves be used by His light reduces the flow through us and the number of results that can be achieved by the light.

So we have to stand face on to the Light of the Divine Love. Let it shine on every part of you. Others will see the shine of love reflected by you.

When you let it flow through each facet of you the light of love is multiplied and sent to many places, even those far away that we are not aware of affecting.

I know this is a little convoluted. I don't know how better to say it. It was written 12/25/06.

The Tatted Cross

I made this quite long ago, one perfect cross.
It marked the spot in my Book where my father's picture rests.

It came to mind to give to you for the gift I can't repay.
It is the one perfect thing in my lifeI have ever made.

But then the gift within the gift was given me
to add and share with you from Him.

I said I had made it,"all by myself" but then, He says to me,
"Let me show you, friend of mine, what you didn't see."

"Did you see the rain and sun and the cotton seed that said,
"Oh the pain, I break in half! I think now That I die!""

"It didn't die but grew and flowered and said,
"I'm perfect now it's true. My life's work is through."

"But the fruit of the plant was taken from it for men had found a way
to weave it into many things. The cotton plant died that day."

"Someone took the extra time to make a perfect weave of thread
so tiny, light and fine but - it's strength went to it's head."

"The tiny thread took great pride,"I'm so long and strong and straight.
I'm perfect now! I'm the best of all!.""

"But wait", I said," my thread came in a ball."

He says,"I know -you should have heard what that made our poor thread feel.
It felt each twist and turn and lap as it went on the spool".

""Now I'm a mess, what good am I", said the thread. "Men are just such fools!
To take something as perfect as me and put me on a spool.""

Into my hands came the perfect thread -so fine I could barely see
to work my pattern of rings and chains into the cross it would be.

I counted and watched my fingers as I pulled each ring up tight.
Like magic the thread never broke. It had been woven for me, just right.

I unspun each wrap, undid each twist and for a moment you could see
the perfect straight thread between my hands but it was not to be.

Never straight again that thread, and live cotton not again
nor a seed beneath the sun and rain but a perfect cross instead.

You can not see the many crosses I have made before.
I finally made one perfect cross and my pride was full.

Then He said, "Each named itself perfect as it was
a total complete creation but it was really something else."

"Each of you is many things more than you can see.
I create with each of you what I need you to be."

"Never name yourself complete or say your life is done.
You can't know what I have planned. You only need to trust."

"I take each life grow, pluck and weave the beauty I have seen
and match it to the pattern of all that is to be.

Who made it?" he asked"You", I answered, head hung down in shame
and "You, too." he graced me,"With what I made of you".

Much more humble nowI offer you this piece of tatted lace,
that was once all those things if you can but see the truth within the thing.

But most of all I hope you see the truth he's laid on me.
It's a gift that he started long ago - from Him, through you to me.

A gift was given, in love, by a friend. A friend He brought to me to bring me to Him.
The gift you gave was the greater even if it can not be seen.

Thank you.

Birds or coffee?

My birds, one Sunday, were clammoring on the empty feeder. What was keeping me from going out to feed them? I was not dressed. I wasn't ready to be active in the day yet. But my birds, His birds, had a need and showed it to me.

If the birds were any human in need, I would have gotten right up, pj and all, and run quickly out to help. I kept my birds, His birds waiting on MY timing. That was the thought that came to me, "he cares for each sparrow". What do I care about?

Choice. What is important? What is more or less important? We judge it. Is one hungry bird less important than one human that hurts? The book says not. I said they were less important. Just wild birds seeking an easy meal.

Action. We act - for His desires or our own. Or we don't act, that is a choice, too. Mine was to sit and stare at the world. His was that I get up and feed the birds. I became convinced (convicted) I had to feed them that day.

I had what they needed, seed, and I had the power to open the container and take it out to them. I had to put it in a place they could reach it because the need was showed to me. I knew about it now. It was up to me to act or not. I had to choose.

It was still "just birds" outside but there was a lesson in it for me. I got dressed and went out to feed His birds.

I see the needs my friends have shown me and I have ached to help. I wanted to be there for them. Some of them I can help with my actions or words, for others I can only pray.

They are so much more to me than the birds Their needs I see clammor to me like the birds in their hunger. I see the need, I recognize them as needs, I try to fill them if I can.

The needs for comfort, understanding, acceptance, someone to say you will be ok is in all of us. In times of stress or pain or loneliness we are all glad to have a friend give us a hand or a word, a hug or a place to sit and stare.

When I see the needs and can't meet them, it hurts my heart. My friends are not "just birds" to me and now the birds are more to me, too. They belong to a friend of mine and He gave me enough so I can feed them. I was glad I got up and did it.

I love watching the birds feed. I love the songs and the flights. I see the squabbles and fights. I sat there and saw one small need filled by my action and I was smiling for knowing that I care for my friends. I like that about me and I like Him for giving me what I need to share with them.

When we show loving care to each other as He leads us to act for Him I think we are showing Christ's loving spirit to each other. "As ye have done unto the least of these, so you have done TO me." Through our loving care His lives.

He is alive in everything we touch, breathe, feel, see - in every bit of life, He is there. When we submit our will to his then we are joined together in him. He guides us but we have the choice to act or not. To act lovingly toward each other is letting His love shows through us.

At least, that is one way to see it.

Halfway there

I woke today praying out loud again. Jesus and I were having a conversation. It was about acceptance. I was feeling me/hearing Him say how we are punished is His, too. When we punish ourselves we are judging us guilty. It's not our job. It is hard to leave that judgement where it belongs, to Him. We fear His power. We judge Him to be like us and He is not. The words petty, mean, cruel and grudge can not be applied to Him.

I see that by accepting our judgement of ourselves we are saying we know better than He does what we deserve. We do not accept His judgement if we keep all the shames, crimes and sins we think we have done in our hearts. He can't touch them if we won't give them. He will not force them from us.

Acceptance is not just accepting the love He sends as He wills. We have to be willing to accept His judgement of us. Then we have to be able to see what it is.

We have to stop running ourselves down and hating ourselves for what we see as our crimes. Letting go of our judgement is hard. It is full of "yes, buts" and "I should have's" and excuses and "I can't forgive myselves".

The book says if you accept His love you will not be judged. Not that you will be let go after a time of payment but that you will not be held accountable. That was the gift He gave us. To live forever and not keep beating ourselves up for eternity. He takes it from us in love.

If you reach to the light once and accept His love for you, you can lay down all that you see as fertilizer, even the parts you know are your fault and it is His to judge, not you. His is the higher power. It is His job.

If you have accepted His love how can you not accept His judgement of you? Can you only accept half of Him?. If you punish yourself you are doing His job. I was doing that, not knowing all of Him, not letting Him love me all the way. I couldn't accept it.

A Pardon is a gift. It is not law, not the rule. It is His to give where He will. We can't give it to ourselves and it is hard for us even to give to each other and really mean it. The law doesn't require pardon. His love gifts it to us. He already gave it to you. You only have to believe that and accept it. Then you have to see it.

I have beat myself up for years about letting go the children. Even believing it was best for them I saw me as unable to love them enough to stay and take care of them. I can't see the truth in everything but He showed me His judgement of it this morning. It was what he was talking with me about. Seeing what is. Seeing how He loves me.

The kids are back in my life and they love me. He brought them back to me years before I could even see the pardon in it. He had judged my actions toward them long ago and put them back in my life. It didn't have to turn out this way. If they never had spoken to me again I would have accepted that as right for them. But He brought them back to me.

Who am I to say He made a mistake? To continue to hurt myself with what I did then instead of just being glad I have them to love now was spoiling what I have with a hurt from my past. I had it buried, I thought, but it came back when I wrote it last week.

I thought about bringing it to them so they could say the words they may have in their hearts and I could help them deal with their feelings. I realized I could not heal them. He will have to bring that to them in His time, He may have already and I may never know because we don't discuss it.

Do I have a right to try to ease what was my shame by going to them for forgiveness with it? It might just open healing wounds again and what was the point to that? That I feel better? How loving would that be.

I took it to Him in prayer in my sleep I guess because that is where I was this morning. He already showed me the judgement. I just didn't see it. Now, with His word to me, I can. Thanking Him for the love of my children in my life, all three, I leave their hearts to Him knowing His power to heal in myself, I know it is there for all of us and them too. I can let it go.

As for how my decision has affected them, it is in His power of love to make it right for them in their hearts. He loves them better than I can. By seeing He has judged me good enough and let me have them back I can just be thankful to Him. I can quit hurting myself with my past actions. He says I did good enough. I needed to learn to accept it. I trust Him to heal their hearts for me.

I share what he gave me this morning. I see his judgement of me was given with grace before I even could see it. My judgement of myself was given with heartbreak and shame. He has not hurt me, I did. I let that go today and accept His judgement.

I think we lose our connection to Him when we fear Him. By only acceping His love and not His judgement we are only getting half the gift.

May you know all of Him.

What stops the healing?

Luke006:006 And it came to pass also on another sabbath, that he entered into the synagogue and taught: and there was a man whose right hand was withered. 006:008 ... and said to the man which had the withered hand, Rise up, and stand forth in the midst. And he arose and stood forth. 006:010 And looking round about upon them all, he said unto the man, Stretch forth thy hand. And he did so: and his hand was restored whole as the other.

Jesus probably got tired of trying to even hope we would ever see like he does; The way his pure loving truth sees. I don't think he healed that hand, in his mind, He only changed it. He gave the man what that man saw as perfection; His heart's desire.

I think that, for God's plan in that life, and what he wanted from the man, the withered hand was perfect in God's eyes. That man's other arm was strong and his other hand did for two. He knew lots that most of us hadn't had to learn.

The one handed man learned to offer more than just a hand. He was probably very caring to others, over looking things that were social or physical "flaws" in them. I know he wanted that kindness from them.

He had to think things out and problem solve just to put on his shoes as a child. He would be handy to have around when something needed to be figured out.

Having one hand that doesn't work teaches you different learnings in life than those who seem to be all alike in a perfection you perceive to be desirable. I think the things you learn expand your mind and make your heart more understanding toward others who have things they don't see as perfection either.

I don't think Jesus saw the withered hand as needing healing in his eyes, but the man he loved was unhappy with it, so he gave him what he wanted, to be like everyone else.

It was His grace and mercy He gave. He knew that man could not see the gift so he changed it for him to what he wanted most in his heart then he could grow in faith that Jesus and God loved him. The glory of the miracle is still there. The man with the now perfect hand would go on to other learnings after having that changed for him.

A short one learns to climb and a tall one how to bend and duck, and between them they can teach what they have learned to a medium tall person who can use both solutions to get by.We can't all learn everything, we help each other out.

Measuring and judging that social way we are taught leaves us missing the point. We are perfect as he created us. It's hard to accept ourselves and love us just the way we are. But we are His creations.

The blind man had learned to listen as those that see can not. I am sure his friends came often to talk to him when they had a problem.

The large learn to be gentle and careful, the deaf learn to watch closely. If we saw the perfection in the gift we could all learn from each other how to love like he does.

I try to learn what he teaches me with my life and use it to help others to see that they are perfect in his eyes, and no other eyes count. I forget a lot when I am looking at myself.

I try to remember not to judge others or how they walk here, it is perfect in his eyes and his love does not lie. It's hard to let that judgement I have learned here stay in His hands.

He cares what we carry in our hearts. While we are here we are flesh and he fills those needs too. But he is always shooting right to your heart to teach us how to love Him and trust he knows what he is doing.

He wants us to love and be joy filled, that is the only thing he asks. So I stumble on the best I can and I ask he teaches me to see like him.

That I am perfect as I stand, in his eyes and his love, and so is each of you. If we were all alike and perfect according to social rules we might not seek the depths of understanding and learning that we do. We would not care so well for others who struggle here.We would not love so deeply.

A love that accepts each as perfect as they are; to be willing to reach out a hand to give others what they see they need, to show them how to see their own perfection in Him; To teach them that He lives now and we will always live with Him; I strive for that.

Love Him and trust he leads us, love the one you are with, they are what he has sent us and trusted us to love. Not for him, he loves all that is, but with him, joining together in love between all of us as we walk. That is part of my learning here.

So I try to see each one and compare them to no other. I learn to let myself be just what I am in truth. He knows the truth of me and so I may as well let it shine right out there.

I love. I live. I try to keep on loving every day. I get sad and lonely, too. I'm not a spirit yet. But I know he guides me and that I get all my love from him. I just try to share it where I can.

So the answer to "What stops the healing?" may truely be, "Don't fix it if it ain't broke." as another said.

Just enough

It seems I can't even read email without seeing a learning in it.

I met this boy at the bluegrass festival when I fell and cracked my head on his knee. Come to find out, he went to school with my neice - in another state. He was from her home town.

Today he sent me one link with instructions and then later sent a direct link to what he wanted me to see. I wrote him this:

Your first link was just fine - it gave me what I needed to find what you wanted to share.

Your second link was more direct, perhaps, but by the time I got it open and read it I was already there .

When we share our truth, even imperfectly, it can be enough to get another to see the way to go. We might be able to do it better later- but they will find their way with the little bit we gave them because He will take them on from there.

So you made no mistake. I see you found a better link to share - but I was there already.

But GOD

He asks me to do things I would not do. I say, "But GOD, why?, or But God, I can't or But God, I don't understand, or But God it hurts to be in this or that situation." He uses me as I am and I say, "But God, I am not that".

So I searched "but God" This is in bible order, not mine. I share this with you.

Genesis 31:7 but God did not allow him to hurt me.
Genesis 45:8 So now it was not you who sent me here, but God;
Genesis 48:21 but God will be with you
Genesis 50:20 but God meant it for good
Genesis 50:24 But God will surely visit you
Exodus 13:18 But God led the people around by way of the wilderness
Job 5:15 But God saves [the fatherless] from the sword of their mouth,
Job 34:5 but God has taken away my right;
Psalm 49:15 But God will redeem me
Psalm 64:7 But God will shoot an unexpected arrow at them
Psalm 68:21 But God will shatter the heads of His enemies
Psalm 73:26 but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever.
Psalm 75:7 But God is the Judge! He puts down one and lifts up another.
Psalm 78:52 But [God] led His own people forth like sheep and guided them [with a shepherd's care] like a flock in the wilderness.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 but God alone can satisfy,
Isaiah 17:13 -but [God] will rebuke them
Luke 5:21 Who can forgive sins but God alone?
Luke 16:15 but God knows your hearts.
Acts 2:24 But God raised Him up
Acts 7:9 but God was with him,
Acts 10:28 but God has shown and taught me by words that I should not call any human being common or unhallowed or [ceremonially] unclean.
Romans 5:8 But God shows and clearly proves His love for us by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One) died for us.
1 Corinthians 3:6 but God all the while was making it grow and He gave the increase.
1 Corinthians 7:15 But God has called us to peace.
1 Corinthians 10:13 But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted]
1 Corinthians 15:38 But God gives to it the body that He plans and sees fit
2 Corinthians 7:6 But God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed and the sinking,
Ephesians 2:4 But God--so rich is He in His mercy!
Philippians 2:27 But God had compassion on him
1 Thessalonians 4:8 but God, Whose very Spirit that He gives to you is holy (chaste, pure).

Who done it?

I met some new people Friday night at a jam session I had been invited to attend. They came in all shapes and sizes and with all kinds of voices and instruments. Most of them knew each other. I was the "new kid". I felt welcomed enough to be comfortable and I knew one man there that played banjo at the Saturday jam.

I formed an opinion of one of them that was a little less than kind. The word I used was "flaky" - meaning not quite on the planet. I remember it takes one to know one and was ashamed. I tried to see what made me think of him that way. I couldn't figure it out. Later I met his brother and it went from flaky to "off the wall". I had no reason to think that but for the energy they put out. It was loud and bold and seemed just short of rude sometimes.

I finally realized, today, one of them reminded me of an actor who is funny but I don't like much. I just think the characters he plays are a little off in a negative way. The physical resemblence is visible. Two photos might be interesting to look at together to see how close they match.

Did I feel like that man was a little off because in the back of my head a bell rang? Was there a shuffling through of my experiences in life that hit a close match and said, "This one is like that one and that one is not good. Stay back,"? If we only have our own experiences and learnings to judge by here a lot that might be good looks bad.

I got a negative impression first but I went ahead in meeting them anyway, inspite of my first feelings, I took the time to sing with both of them that night. The one is wild but I can see the reason his bold spirit shines out. I would not have known what made him so real and wild if I had not intentionally tried to toss that first impression. He shared something with me that let me know him better. Do we let the negative judgements in us keep us from what might be good, not even knowing why we did it? I think that is what I almost did.

I haven't discounted that first impression all the way yet. I am slow. I know we learn to protect ourselves and others from harmful things. The mistake is in not understanding if the negative is really in them or me. In knowing them as they really are it will go away later or be confirmed and THEN I will decide if I get to know them as real friends. I will have to give it time and experience them as they are. I am pretty sure they are not the movie characters I saw a resemblence to at first.

That is the part that was in me, I am the one that applied it to them. When someone has hurt us in the past in a particular way it stays inside us. If an experience with another rings the bell does it get judged to be like the first one - even if it isn't the same at all? We get reminded of our hurt and anger from the first hurt, but how do we see this event is not that one?

When the bell rings do we just replay those feelings and dump them on one that might not deserve them? How can we do that to one that didn't even really do anything wrong? It just rang a bell from our past. They have no way to understand an earlier hurt or opinion just caused us to react to them as we did. That would mean we were the ones treating them unfairly.

I think that is what holding on to past hurts does to us. The memory of another time and person and pain can step into a new situation and make us back away. We may be losing a chance to have a new friend or enjoy a new event but the fear of something that happened in the past makes us back away.

When we judge someone and their actions by what we have known before are we expressing anger for what just happened or anger at what happened before? If that hurt is still in us and we didn't let it go how can we not hurt others with it? It is what is in us.

I was reminded of an actor by these men. I don't know the man himself, only parts he has played in movies. I didn't like the characters very well. They are not that man but I didn't like the parts he played. I believe a resemblence to that actor brought the negative characters to me. I applied something I feel toward pretend persons, that aren't even real, to other human beings.

That is a little complicated. I don't know if I explained it well. What I am getting from it is there is a reason we are not to judge but to experience life and others in it openly without preconcieved ideas. Many times we don't even realize we have them. Somehow I have to empty my mind and heart of everything that went before and approach each experience and person as new and just what they are - not what I think I might have seen or done with others before. I have to see just what is here and with me now.

I have to understand if someone rings my bell or "pushes my button" that it was not intentional. They can't know me that well yet. It is me that interprets what they did. It is me that is applying old feelings to new people and situations. It is not them.

I judge me full of fertilizer lately. I am glad it makes roses grow. I should have a lot of them. I can't take it out of me. I put it there with my choices in life. I know the one that can turn it, when I give it to Him, to love. He keeps bringing things up to me and I look at that mess and say, "You take it, please. I am sorry all I have to gift you with looks like fertilizer to me."

He smiles and says thank you for each nasty thing I give Him and then he shows it to for what it is in His love. As I give Him this He says there is a reason to be careful what we put in our hearts, it is what will come out of us. I thank Him for helping me try to be more like Him and give it up.

There was another woman there that night. She said, "I think I have met you before." She was playing guitar next to me. I knew as I heard her voice who she was. I had met her at the bluegrass festival this fall. She came to tell me I couldn't smoke where I was standing. I saw several more near me doing the same thing. She didn't go speak to them. They were men or with men. I was a woman alone.

I told her I wasn't aware of a rule, it wasn't posted anywhere and it wasn't on the flyers. I didn't want to make trouble but it really bothered me. We were outside where the wind was taking all the smoke away. I moved to suit her. Her approach and her way of speaking felt just short of rude to me. I knew she was doing what she thought was right but she was not nice about it at all, in my opinion. I have to say I really didn't like her for the way she handled it. I tried to let it go but I was having ornery thoughts. I got it out of my system finally but it took some prayer. I still couldn't love her but I was not angry at her.

So I knew who she was and when I told her I was the woman she told she couldn't smoke at the festival her eyes got round and she said, "Oh, right. I know you now." I saw her remember she should avoid me. She hadn't liked me, either.

I made a point of saying, "We got off to a bad start but that doesn't have anything to do with tonight. I am glad to see you again." "Nice to see you, too," she said. But she didn't speak to me again. We sang and played guitars together and it was fun. No real stress at all was between us. We didn't say good bye to each other when the night ended. I don't know if we can be friends but I am not angry or upset with her and I don't think she was upset with me by the end of the night.

She saw a different side of me and I saw her in a different way. We both got a chance for a second impression. We just are not the same kind of people and I don't think there is much hope we can be friends. I know we are not enemies. I can deal with that.

It was my first experience with her that made me not like her very much. Same for her. She had pushed one of my buttons. That was not her fault. It is my button. I gave it to Him as he showed it to me. I didn't like it very much.

That mutual wariness and avoidance was a valid feeling between she and I. My reaction caused part of it. Her joy in correcting others caused part of it. We both learned in a second meeting we were ok to hang with and play with and I will not avoid her again.

She taught me something. I am still judging by my past experience and not accepting what is happening now. The men that I had labeled flaky gave me hugs and sent me on my way feeling like I had made new friends as I left. If I had treated them like I would have those negative characters I would not have gotten to know them the little bit I did.

I am glad I understand why I got such a bad first impression. I will try to forget all that I have done and known in life and be open to the new experiences and people without those subliminal, sneaky negatives. I am watching for them now. I don't want to find I am not making friends because someone reminded me of another person or situation that hurt. I want to remember each experience is fresh and new each day.

I don't want to be controlled by the past. It's gone. If I have learned from it I want to remember the lesson but not apply them thoughtlessly. I have to pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling.

It's good to know not to try to pet a skunk but it is not good to see black and white cat and be afraid to pet it. You have to check it out for what it is now, not on what is was last time. I have to see life as it is now with each person only themselves and each experience only what it is, not a replay of an old one.

I think that is what I am learning today. To see it in His love, not my experience. It keeps life fresh and new and loving, not old and hurtful. I am not knocking the auto pilot that makes coffee by habit and drives me to work sometimes. I am just saying I don't want that "idiot control" in charge of my relationships with the people in my life.

What am I holding?

By holding something in your hands you limit your ability to respond to the needs of a friend. If your hands are full you can't reach out an hand to a friend.

If you keep and hold all that comes to you to yourself you can't receive more. To keep your hands empty and ready for what he gives you to do you have to give what you have in them where it is needed. It has to be given to Him or to the one here He gave it to you for or used up.

I had full hands one day when a friend came to my door. I couldn't open it for them. I called out and said "You will have to open it yourself." What kind of greeting to a friend is that? What was I hanging on to? A cigarette and the phone. I had a friend who needed to talk, it wasn't just wasting time. But I could have put down the cigarette. I was just shocked at who had arrived and didn't think to do it. I ran right out to say hello come in, But I couldn't open the door.

I was holding a rock in one hand and a pot in the other when I saw the broken pot. I couldn't pick up what I needed until I put one of them down. That was the second thing he brought back to me Sunday and wanted me to write about.

I don't think I have it all right yet, but I share with you what I have and I will continue to pray about it.

Lord let me always have a hand to offer a friend, don't let them be too full of myself.

Changes

The very first time
I thought someone did me wrong
and did not understand why
I put it in my heart and it hurt.
So I made a pirate chest
and put that hurt in there;
with the hate I was told
I shouldn't feel
and the anger at them
I couldn't show.

I bound it around
with chains and locks
and forgot it,
I thought.
I buried it deeply
under the roots
of a large blasted tree
Black and crooked
it stood to mark the spot
and an X of red
on the ground
showed me where
the hurt would be found.

In life that hurt
would escape it's depths
and sting in my heart.
If I was depressed
or life was hard
I'd start with that first hurt
and go through them all.

I'd sit under the black tree
by the stinking swamp
and dig up each one
and hurt myself
with all that I'd ever
done wrong
or thought
another had done
to me in my life.

Then one came to me,
right to my heart.
I said, "Why are you here?"
He said, "A friend asked me to come."
I was shamed of the
tree and the dark
and the swamp.
He said "There's nowhere here
for us to sit and talk.
May I make one?"
Then he paused.

He looked at me
with so much sweet care
I saw what he saw
and bowed with my cares
in front of him
then whispered,
"Please -
if you would like
to talk with me."

He walked the length
and then the width
of my heart,
and stopped in the center
under the tree.
He was right on the x
of that very first hurt
He smiled and said,
"This might hurt,
but I promise, for
only a moment or two
and then
it will always be beautiful.
May I do as I wish here?
It's up to you."

I knew that he loved me
and saw what I'd built
then thought,
"Anything is better
than this dark smelly filth."
So I lifted my head,
I looked into his eyes
and I said, "Yes".

What a surprise!
Too much pain!
The tears filled my eyes,
in anger and shame
and hurt and grief -
the deep sobs came.
The touch of him
burned deep and true
through each mucky place
he walked through.

Each one was showed me
as I had carried it there
and then
he changed it
and made it pure
The swamp became a
singing stream with
grassy banks where
cat tails grew.

The trunks he dug up,
blasted the chains,
opened the tops
and out it came.
Betrayals,
mine and done to me,
hate given by others
hates given by me
Unfairness, Shame,
Lies and Theft,
all my Broken hearts
from the loves in my life.

He showed me it all
and I felt each pain
but as he looked at it
with His love
it changed
or was gone -
as he decreed.
Every hurtful time,
each shame filled deed.
He took them all
into the flame
of his love
and then began
to give them back
in their truth.

In His hands,
the gifts he gave
of wisdom and
understanding
were flowers for me.
Lilies of yellow, red,
white and glowing
now along the stream
were growing.

My crying had slowed
and in awe I stood
stooped with exaustion
from the work
he had done.
He said, "Just one more time,
I need you to be
right here with me
in front of this tree."

I joined him there
by the beautiful brook
under the blasted tree
and then the ground shook
while his hand reached out
to steady me.
His flaming love
took that tree inside
and gave to us
a stump of glowing wood
where soft green moss
growed along the roots
and we could both fit
to sit and visit.

He gestured to me
to be seated there
beside him
in the center of my heart.
He put his arms around
me, pulled me close,
said, "Close your eyes"
and so I did.

There was a glow
and a breeze
with the scent of the flowers, then
"Open your eyes"
I heard from his sweet voice.
In front of my eyes there was,
green and dancing,
a happy little willow sapling
just tall enough to
shade the stump
on the grassy bank
by the singing brook.

Now tears fell freely
across my face
as I looked around
at the beautiful place
he had made for me
of the nasty mess
my heart had become
from the
life I'd lead.
I was silenced and numbed
by his gift to me
and just looked at him.
He looked back at me
with a smile and
said, "This is my favorite part
of loving you all. I love
designing hearts.

Each one is different
no two the same
and you are always so glad
to see I came.
Thank you for letting me
do this, it's fun."

Stunned, I cried,
"What have I done,
ever, for you,
that you would give
such a gift to me and
what will I ever be able,
as small as I am,
to do for you,
you wonderful friend?"

His smile was so deep
and his laughter so clear
then he spoke,
"Share this with me,
may I just stay here.
I have always loved you
and I always will.
The joy for me
is to be with you."

"See this?"and he reached
down and pulled up
the most beautiful box,
so small it had
gone unseen by me.
He opened it up
and out flew my joy
and my songs and my
dreams
my girls and my boy.
My loves were all safe
and, like birds with
bright wings,
they sat in the willow
chirping and singing.

"You always kept them here,
safely under the roots
the most precious treasure -
your loves and your truths -
but you kept them protected
from the swamp and the tree
I knew they were here -
and you kept them for me."

"That's what you have done child,
where ever you walked
was love those I brought you
what ever the results."
He showed me the beauty
of loving in truth.

I could not bear it.
I cried at their beauty.
then begged,
Please, that's for you.
It's too much love for me
to keep safe,
out of it's chest,
and all over the place.
I can't do it - I'll hurt them
so I hid them there
where they'd never be touched
by the dark dank swamp
or the stinking muck
of my life had
become."

"I know I might hurt them,
with my ways or
my words, and
I would never
hurt anyone ever again.
I can't bear the shame
that I might be unkind
or cruel even,
Protect them from me.
Please,
You keep them."

I swear that he laughed
right in my face
then reached for my hand
and pulled me to my feet.
"I wouldn't forget
how you treasured my friends
and the gifts I gave you
and you can't begin
to know the love inside you.
You've always kept it
apart in your box
and now I want it here -
right in your heart."

"I almost
forgot to show you this",
then we walked together
to the stream.
He reached out a hand,
the singing stilled,
and the creek became
a shining pool.
"Look in," he told me,
I want you to view
the truth of the love
I see in you, friend."

So I knelt beside
the shining pool
in the grass and lilies
and saw the vision
of who he says I am
with his glow behind me
shining over my head.

I cried out loud,
"Oh no, I am not that!"
Again he laughed,
but I went on,

"She's strong and clean
alive and fresh,
tawny and golden
with not a flaw.
Look at her smile,
look at her hair!
What a woman she is,
but that's not me.
I wish it was but
I see I am not that."

He asked, "Why not?"
I answered in gasps,
between the tears,
"My teeth are bad,
I'm short and fat,
like a troll.
And my feet,
oh, they are a mess
and my skin is scarred
and my face is ugly
with no eyebrows or lashes
and my eyes are tiny.
I have a neck like a frog.
My hair! It's dry
and crisp and hard.
I smell of smoke from
cigarettes and sometimes
of drink and sweat.
I am not that!"

Then he said to me,
"I give it the body I chose
to walk within the world
but when we sit and talk
here in your heart
hold this thought dear
the truth of you
sits with me here.
Your spirit I gave you
is golden and strong
and reflects my light
to all where you walk.
The truth of you
and your loving heart
is a beauty beyond
worldly eyes or it's hurts"

"It's how I protect those
I hold most dear
from the corseness of
the blind ones
walking down there
I hide them in bodies
that humans can see -
but not marr
the beauty of your spirit.
That can only be seen
with the truth of love.

It's very sad
to hide beauty so
But the truth of my love
will always show
to each of you
the beauty that is
the truth of them.
I have dressed
each spirit
with my light and my love
and I give you my sight
to search each one you meet
for the love and truth inside
for that is where beauty
forever abides."

I see how kind his gift to me
of protection and love
and His wiser ways
to guide my steps
So now we sit
by the singing stream
on the mossy stump
and the birds all sing
while the clean breeze of his love
wanders through
constantly washing
the love over all.

I take to him now,
my fears and my needs
and my friends
and my hurts
and he turns them for me
into beautiful things
or he takes them to him
and then they never
bother me again.

And this is promised forever.